Lisa Huo became the fifth housemate to be evicted from the Big brother house after she was voted out ahead of Nikki Grahame, Imogen Thomas and Mikey Dalton in a four-way tussle.
As soon as Grace was given the boot last week, Lisa was odds-on favourite at 4/5 to be next person out of the door with the bookmakers expecting nominations from Aisleyne, Richard, Susie and Pete for the foul mouthed unemployed upholsterer from Manchester.
Big Brother introduced a twist this week for nomination-discussing rule breakers Glyn, Imogen, Lea, Lisa and Nikki who were not be allowed to nominate in the normal fashion. Instead, they each had to nominate one member of their group, on the spot, in front of everyone else. They were not allowed to discuss their choices or nominate themselves and the housemate with the most nominations would automatically face eviction via the public vote. The voting went as follows:
Glyn and Lisa nominated Nikki, Imogen voted for Lea who returned the favour and Nikki voted for Lisa. With two nominations Nikki faced eviction for the third successive week.
The rest of the housemates – Aisleyne, Mikey, Pete, Richard and Susie were allowed to nominate as usual in the privacy of the Diary Room. As Nikki was already put up for the public vote, the remaining housemates were not allowed to nominate her, which saw Imogen, Lisa and Mikey thrown into the eviction mix.
By Monday night, Lisa was 1/4 favourite for eviction, despite the remainder of the nominated housemates not being revealed officially until Tuesday evening.
Lisa’s price shortened considerably as the day’s neared Friday’s eviction night until she was trading at 1/100 so it was no surprise when host Davina McCall announced she was evicted.
Lisa appeared to be expecting to leave as she reacted well with a typical mix of smiles and good natured profanity, hugging each of her housemates in turn and repeating select phrases including “sorted mate”, “mint”, “take it easy” and “have fun”.
Following a few weeks where housemates have received landslide eviction percentages – Grace polling 87.9% and of course Sezer’s 91.6%, Lisa received a more respectable 60.3% of the vote considering she wasn’t trading at odds-against once during eviction week.
Big Brother’s latest twist will see five new contestants entering a secret “second” house next Friday. The new house, accessible via the diary room, features its own bedroom, kitchen, lounge, bathroom and garden area.
Instead of voting to evict a housemate next week, the public will instead choose one housemate to “save” but live with the five newcomers in the new house.
martes, 30 de noviembre de 2010
lunes, 29 de noviembre de 2010
Big Brother 7 - Half Term Report Part Two
Big Brother is entering the half-way stage so here is a short round-up of five of the remaining nine established characters and how they fair in the betting market.
Aisleyne
Current Odds: 20/1
Aisleyne was voted into the house next door but will return to the main compound which will shock the other housemates as they thought they had got rid of her and her constant singing of hip hop songs that nobody has heard of. Aisleyne is the strongest female character but her fake ghetto speak and snapping at the other housemates will see her up for eviction more often than not. The “House Next Door” twist will see Aisleyne “vote out” four of the five new housemates, although they will actually be moved into the main house and face her when she returns herself. There could be a tricky few weeks in store for the promotions girl and aspiring pop star.
Imogen
Current Odds: 50/1
Imogen has been a disappointment and her character in the house is just a female version of Mikey. Dull, boring and nothing like the real-life serial footballer dater the tabloids would have us believe. Until recently, the only screen time she enjoyed was when she had tedious conversations in Welsh with fellow compatriot Glyn. For someone proud to be university educated, Imogen didn’t know what “malice” meant nor “saboteur” before she was chosen to wreck the milk task in order for the housemates to win a luxury food budget. She passed the task, although all that was required was to let milk pour out of a giant vat without any of the other housemates noticing what she was up to. Yawn.
Richard
Current Odds: 66/1
The self-proclaimed “sexual terrorist” is another dullard who thinks he has a chance of winning. Since arguing with Imogen several weeks ago he has done very little since which unfortunately also seen his nominations by other housemates cease. Come on people, vote him out!
Susie
Current Odds: 80/1
Boring. Boring. Boring. Big Brother made a huge fuss about their “Golden Ticket” campaign in which a “lucky member of the public” would get the chance to enter the house. Instead, Susie, an ageing glamour model who had applied for Big Brother several times in the past was apparently chosen at random to join the rest of the housemates. Susie has found a role in the house as surrogate mother to little Nikki and lust object for granny fancier Glyn. Oh yes and she likes to drink tea. Lots and lots of tea.
Lea
Current Odds: 80/1
Surgically enhanced Lea has found life difficult in the house thus far and is now giving Nikki a run for her money on who can shed the most tears. Lea has the hots for Pete, although she denies it and has found herself a prime target for Aisleyne who established herself as the alpha female of the house. Lea’s almost unhealthy interest in Pete and constant crying will see her fellow housemates put her up for eviction soon. And not before time, either.
Aisleyne
Current Odds: 20/1
Aisleyne was voted into the house next door but will return to the main compound which will shock the other housemates as they thought they had got rid of her and her constant singing of hip hop songs that nobody has heard of. Aisleyne is the strongest female character but her fake ghetto speak and snapping at the other housemates will see her up for eviction more often than not. The “House Next Door” twist will see Aisleyne “vote out” four of the five new housemates, although they will actually be moved into the main house and face her when she returns herself. There could be a tricky few weeks in store for the promotions girl and aspiring pop star.
Imogen
Current Odds: 50/1
Imogen has been a disappointment and her character in the house is just a female version of Mikey. Dull, boring and nothing like the real-life serial footballer dater the tabloids would have us believe. Until recently, the only screen time she enjoyed was when she had tedious conversations in Welsh with fellow compatriot Glyn. For someone proud to be university educated, Imogen didn’t know what “malice” meant nor “saboteur” before she was chosen to wreck the milk task in order for the housemates to win a luxury food budget. She passed the task, although all that was required was to let milk pour out of a giant vat without any of the other housemates noticing what she was up to. Yawn.
Richard
Current Odds: 66/1
The self-proclaimed “sexual terrorist” is another dullard who thinks he has a chance of winning. Since arguing with Imogen several weeks ago he has done very little since which unfortunately also seen his nominations by other housemates cease. Come on people, vote him out!
Susie
Current Odds: 80/1
Boring. Boring. Boring. Big Brother made a huge fuss about their “Golden Ticket” campaign in which a “lucky member of the public” would get the chance to enter the house. Instead, Susie, an ageing glamour model who had applied for Big Brother several times in the past was apparently chosen at random to join the rest of the housemates. Susie has found a role in the house as surrogate mother to little Nikki and lust object for granny fancier Glyn. Oh yes and she likes to drink tea. Lots and lots of tea.
Lea
Current Odds: 80/1
Surgically enhanced Lea has found life difficult in the house thus far and is now giving Nikki a run for her money on who can shed the most tears. Lea has the hots for Pete, although she denies it and has found herself a prime target for Aisleyne who established herself as the alpha female of the house. Lea’s almost unhealthy interest in Pete and constant crying will see her fellow housemates put her up for eviction soon. And not before time, either.
domingo, 28 de noviembre de 2010
Big Brother 7 - Half Term Report Part One
Big Brother is entering the half-way stage so here is a short round-up of four of the nine established characters and how they fair in the betting market.
Pete
Current Odds: 1/2
Pete has remained the undisputed favourite to win Big Brother ever since he fell down the stairs to mark his entrance. His odds-on status is justified since he appears to be the nicest and most genuine person incarcerated in the house and he has proved there is more to him than his Tourette’s outbusts and nervous ticks. Pete is the unlikely romeo of the house, with Lea, Lisa and Nikki all falling for his unique charms although he claims not to be interested in any of them. At the halfway point, it is difficult to see past Pete as the winner of Big Brother, since the producers love a “journey” and a slushy story about Pete “being accepted for who he is” is being played out right now. It’s all predictable and contrived, but it’s what mainstream television is all about, right?
Nikki
Current Odds: 11/2
Even though Pete is the likely winner, Nikki has been the best ever contestant on Big Brother bar none. Do people like her really exist and if so, how on earth do they survive in the wider world? Nikki is 24, but behaves like someone well short of hitting even their teenage years. Everything upsets her. She cries when she’s nominated, she cried when her fellow housemates had to wash her for a task and she cried when she couldn’t get her MP3 player to work. However, her constant grizzling is amusing rather than annoying and her Diary Room monologues have become compulsive viewing. Remarkably, she’s knocking out these TV gems seven nights a week on the highlights show. Nikki survived three successive eviction nights which will give the other housemates reason not to nominate her so often. Nikki and Pete in the final two – no question.
Glyn
Current Odds: 9/1
After a few weeks lurking in the background, Glyn has emerged as a strong contender to win the show. He’s awkward, lacks social skills, can’t take his drink and fancies the pants off any woman in the same room as him. Much the same as any other teenage boy, then. Glyn is seen as harmless by the other housemates and is funny without meaning to be, which is why he has received just one nomination in five weeks. Glyn’s lusting after “older women” Lea and Suzie is quite entertaining, while he also said there weren’t women like Aisleyne in Blaenau Ffestiniog. Lucky boy.
Mikey
Current Odds: 14/1
Mikey has done very little in almost 50 days in the Big Brother house apart from talk about “biiiiiiirds” and who fancies who. There is very little to his character apart from looking a bit like Vernon Kay and trying to get off with Imogen now Grace has been evicted. However, he was the only housemate that tried to help paralytic Glyn after one drink too many. Mikey doesn’t really do anything to offend anyone else so he could well make it until the final day.
Pete
Current Odds: 1/2
Pete has remained the undisputed favourite to win Big Brother ever since he fell down the stairs to mark his entrance. His odds-on status is justified since he appears to be the nicest and most genuine person incarcerated in the house and he has proved there is more to him than his Tourette’s outbusts and nervous ticks. Pete is the unlikely romeo of the house, with Lea, Lisa and Nikki all falling for his unique charms although he claims not to be interested in any of them. At the halfway point, it is difficult to see past Pete as the winner of Big Brother, since the producers love a “journey” and a slushy story about Pete “being accepted for who he is” is being played out right now. It’s all predictable and contrived, but it’s what mainstream television is all about, right?
Nikki
Current Odds: 11/2
Even though Pete is the likely winner, Nikki has been the best ever contestant on Big Brother bar none. Do people like her really exist and if so, how on earth do they survive in the wider world? Nikki is 24, but behaves like someone well short of hitting even their teenage years. Everything upsets her. She cries when she’s nominated, she cried when her fellow housemates had to wash her for a task and she cried when she couldn’t get her MP3 player to work. However, her constant grizzling is amusing rather than annoying and her Diary Room monologues have become compulsive viewing. Remarkably, she’s knocking out these TV gems seven nights a week on the highlights show. Nikki survived three successive eviction nights which will give the other housemates reason not to nominate her so often. Nikki and Pete in the final two – no question.
Glyn
Current Odds: 9/1
After a few weeks lurking in the background, Glyn has emerged as a strong contender to win the show. He’s awkward, lacks social skills, can’t take his drink and fancies the pants off any woman in the same room as him. Much the same as any other teenage boy, then. Glyn is seen as harmless by the other housemates and is funny without meaning to be, which is why he has received just one nomination in five weeks. Glyn’s lusting after “older women” Lea and Suzie is quite entertaining, while he also said there weren’t women like Aisleyne in Blaenau Ffestiniog. Lucky boy.
Mikey
Current Odds: 14/1
Mikey has done very little in almost 50 days in the Big Brother house apart from talk about “biiiiiiirds” and who fancies who. There is very little to his character apart from looking a bit like Vernon Kay and trying to get off with Imogen now Grace has been evicted. However, he was the only housemate that tried to help paralytic Glyn after one drink too many. Mikey doesn’t really do anything to offend anyone else so he could well make it until the final day.
sábado, 27 de noviembre de 2010
Big Brother 7 - Grace is Evicted
Grace Adams-Short became the fourth housemate evicted from Big Brother 7 in yet another no-shock result on Friday night. Grace polled 87.9% of votes in a head-to-head with Nikki Grahame, who survived eviction for two consecutive weeks.
It was such a no-contest that host Davina McCall didn’t even bother with her usual customary pause and instead immediately announced that Grace was evicted.
Both Grace and Nikki were put up for eviction by newcomer Suzie Verrico as the model was the only contestant able to nominate during week four. Grace had take offence to being nominated by Suzie and threw a glass of water over her before she left the house.
With one final hug for Mikey, Grace left the house to a chorus of boos from the eviction night crowd but took it on the chin, laughing and even encouraging the pantomime-esque booing.
When later asked why she performed such a childish act she replied: “Sorry guys, I just couldn't help myself. She was just sat there like Lady Muck”.
Grace had been favourite to leave all week and had been odds-on well before her nomination was confirmed. One of the reasons she was trading so low was due to the Big Brother twist that only Suzie would be eligible to nominate and she had made her dislike of Grace known publicly before she entered the house.
Grace was as short as 1/2 on Friday 9 June following the chants of “Get Grace Out!” heard clearly during Sam’s eviction, although she had risen to as large as 5/6 by the morning of Monday 11.
Big Brother even gave Grace a chance to earn immunity from nominations when a task was set early in the week. The housemates had to stand still on a podium for as long as possible, with a “mystery prize” awaiting the last person standing. During the task, Grace’s price had reached 2/1 to be evicted fourth as she appeared determined to see the task through.
After nine hours, Glyn and Mikey gave up, leaving Lisa and Grace to draw straws to determine the winner as boredom set in. Lisa drew the longest straw and was rewarded with a prize of being immune from nominations. Grace’s failure to win the immunity saw her price plummet to 1/2 even though nominations were yet to be announced.
When the nominations were announced on Tuesday 13 June, Grace was a short as 1.05 on the betting exchanges, then 1.03 and even as low as 1.02 by Wednesday in what appeared to be a certain eviction. Nikki was available at 33/1 and even 50/1 by comparison.
The bookmakers were also not keen on opening a “How much percentage of the vote will Grace receive” market as at least 85% also looked likely and could even beat the record 86% two-way vote record held by Stuart from Big Brother II and Vanessa from Big Brother V.
It was such a no-contest that host Davina McCall didn’t even bother with her usual customary pause and instead immediately announced that Grace was evicted.
Both Grace and Nikki were put up for eviction by newcomer Suzie Verrico as the model was the only contestant able to nominate during week four. Grace had take offence to being nominated by Suzie and threw a glass of water over her before she left the house.
With one final hug for Mikey, Grace left the house to a chorus of boos from the eviction night crowd but took it on the chin, laughing and even encouraging the pantomime-esque booing.
When later asked why she performed such a childish act she replied: “Sorry guys, I just couldn't help myself. She was just sat there like Lady Muck”.
Grace had been favourite to leave all week and had been odds-on well before her nomination was confirmed. One of the reasons she was trading so low was due to the Big Brother twist that only Suzie would be eligible to nominate and she had made her dislike of Grace known publicly before she entered the house.
Grace was as short as 1/2 on Friday 9 June following the chants of “Get Grace Out!” heard clearly during Sam’s eviction, although she had risen to as large as 5/6 by the morning of Monday 11.
Big Brother even gave Grace a chance to earn immunity from nominations when a task was set early in the week. The housemates had to stand still on a podium for as long as possible, with a “mystery prize” awaiting the last person standing. During the task, Grace’s price had reached 2/1 to be evicted fourth as she appeared determined to see the task through.
After nine hours, Glyn and Mikey gave up, leaving Lisa and Grace to draw straws to determine the winner as boredom set in. Lisa drew the longest straw and was rewarded with a prize of being immune from nominations. Grace’s failure to win the immunity saw her price plummet to 1/2 even though nominations were yet to be announced.
When the nominations were announced on Tuesday 13 June, Grace was a short as 1.05 on the betting exchanges, then 1.03 and even as low as 1.02 by Wednesday in what appeared to be a certain eviction. Nikki was available at 33/1 and even 50/1 by comparison.
The bookmakers were also not keen on opening a “How much percentage of the vote will Grace receive” market as at least 85% also looked likely and could even beat the record 86% two-way vote record held by Stuart from Big Brother II and Vanessa from Big Brother V.
miércoles, 24 de noviembre de 2010
Big Brother 7 - Bonnie is Evicted
Bonnie Holt became the first housemate to leave the Big Brother house by public vote at a best price of 1/33 on eviction day.
Bonnie was actually the third housemate in a week to leave the Big Brother house following Shabaz’s decision to walk and Dawn’s ejection for receiving messages from the outside world. She had the dubious honour of being the first housemate to go in and was also the first to leave via the traditional public voting method of eviction.
Bonnie was a disappointing housemate and didn't offer much in the way of entertainment. She was originally chosen for "chatterbox personality" but that was not at all evident as she hardly spoke during her seven days incarceration. She wasn't a bad housemate - just a boring one.
Her original audition tape promised much in the way of wild times, with her claiming she was "sexy" and prepared to "blaze it up", but the reality was nothing like it. The only airtime she received on the show was when she was whinging in the Diary Room about her suitcase and her accent made her speech barely comprehensible ("me names Bonn-eh"). She failed to bond with the majority of the housemates, with the exception of Lea Walker and won't really be missed by the rest of the Big Brother housemates.
Shrewd punters will have spotted that Bonnie wasn’t really “fitting in” to life in the house and was even after 24 hours a few of her housemates were complaining they couldn’t understand a word she said and she was becoming withdrawn from the rest of the group while they all got to know eachother. At this stage Bonnie was around 6/1 to be the first housemate to face eviction.
She briefly drifted to almost 9/1 on the betting exchanges but by Saturday (two days into the show) had dropped to 5/2. By this time she was seen as a loner who had distanced herself from the group bar the odd exchange with Lea.
First impressions count for a lot on Big Brother and while she wasn’t generating any hatred from the other housemates, she became a bit of a non-entity and wasn’t giving the rest of the group any reason to keep her in.
By the time Wednesday came she was odds-on favourite to leave at 1/3, with the remaining housemates not deemed worthy of the “Big Brotherhood” Glyn and Dawn both available at 5/1.
Of course, Dawn was ejected before the final eviction day and Friday saw Bonnie become the overall favourite for eviction while Welsh sixth form head boy could have been backed art 12/1.
Being a girl against a boy never helps when it comes to survival in the house and Bonnie was evicted after receiving over 80% of the public vote.
During her post eviction interview, Bonnie tipped Nikki to win although hopes Lea will come out victorious at the end.
Bonnie was actually the third housemate in a week to leave the Big Brother house following Shabaz’s decision to walk and Dawn’s ejection for receiving messages from the outside world. She had the dubious honour of being the first housemate to go in and was also the first to leave via the traditional public voting method of eviction.
Bonnie was a disappointing housemate and didn't offer much in the way of entertainment. She was originally chosen for "chatterbox personality" but that was not at all evident as she hardly spoke during her seven days incarceration. She wasn't a bad housemate - just a boring one.
Her original audition tape promised much in the way of wild times, with her claiming she was "sexy" and prepared to "blaze it up", but the reality was nothing like it. The only airtime she received on the show was when she was whinging in the Diary Room about her suitcase and her accent made her speech barely comprehensible ("me names Bonn-eh"). She failed to bond with the majority of the housemates, with the exception of Lea Walker and won't really be missed by the rest of the Big Brother housemates.
Shrewd punters will have spotted that Bonnie wasn’t really “fitting in” to life in the house and was even after 24 hours a few of her housemates were complaining they couldn’t understand a word she said and she was becoming withdrawn from the rest of the group while they all got to know eachother. At this stage Bonnie was around 6/1 to be the first housemate to face eviction.
She briefly drifted to almost 9/1 on the betting exchanges but by Saturday (two days into the show) had dropped to 5/2. By this time she was seen as a loner who had distanced herself from the group bar the odd exchange with Lea.
First impressions count for a lot on Big Brother and while she wasn’t generating any hatred from the other housemates, she became a bit of a non-entity and wasn’t giving the rest of the group any reason to keep her in.
By the time Wednesday came she was odds-on favourite to leave at 1/3, with the remaining housemates not deemed worthy of the “Big Brotherhood” Glyn and Dawn both available at 5/1.
Of course, Dawn was ejected before the final eviction day and Friday saw Bonnie become the overall favourite for eviction while Welsh sixth form head boy could have been backed art 12/1.
Being a girl against a boy never helps when it comes to survival in the house and Bonnie was evicted after receiving over 80% of the public vote.
During her post eviction interview, Bonnie tipped Nikki to win although hopes Lea will come out victorious at the end.
lunes, 22 de noviembre de 2010
Big Brother 6 - Saskia Howard-Clarke
Saskia Howard-Clarke is a "promotions girl" from London. She was the fifth evictee from the Big Brother house on July 1 2005 when she participated in the sixth series of the popular television programme.
In the first couple of weeks, Saskia proved to be popular with housemates and viewers alike. This was evident in week two when all of the housemates were put up for eviction via a public vote due to rule breaking because when Saskia's name was announced, the live studio audience cheered her.
However, events took a turn for the worse things took a wrong turn when a divide in the house occurred and two members of her group, Anthony and Maxwell were banned from nominations - leaving Saskia in the vulnerable position of being nominated by the other group who sided with Makosi Musambasi after a heated confrontation between the pair.
Some of the comments Saskia made in her argument with Makosi sparked a debate about racism being a factor in the house and both Maxwell and Saskia were put up for the public vote. Saskia was evicted by a majority 71% of the vote and greeted the crowd to a mixed reception on Day 36. She received the highest percentage of any eviction vote during the whole series.
In her post-eviction interview, she later denied the matter by stating she was a quarter-Sri Lankan, a statement that did not justify or alter the opinions of many viewers.
This was Saskia’s nomination history during her stay in the Big Brother house:
1st (Day 5) - Saskia was nominated by Derek and Mary.
2nd (Day 11) - Saskia was nominated by Craig, Derek, Lesley and Vanessa.
3rd (Day 18) - Saskia was nominated by Science only.
4th (Day 25) - Saskia received no nominations.
5th (Day 32) – Saskia was nominated by Derek, Kemal, Makosi and Vanessa and was evicted via the public vote.
During her time in the Big Brother house Saskia coined phrases such as "end of" and "it's dog eat dog" although she didn't last too long and was evicted fifth when she and the oafish Maxwell were both nominated.
Even before her stint on Big Brother, Saskia enjoyed dating "famous" people and past boyfriends have included an Olympic swimmer, a Premiership footballer and she also dropped down a few divisions to hook up with Nottingham Forest striker Adam Nowland.
Saskia claims to go to the gym five times a week, she gets her nails done every month and is obsessed by fake tans.
Since leaving the house Saskia has been busy touring grotty nightclubs in a double act with Maxwell while also posing for glamour shots in lads mags to ensure she remains in the public eye.
In the first couple of weeks, Saskia proved to be popular with housemates and viewers alike. This was evident in week two when all of the housemates were put up for eviction via a public vote due to rule breaking because when Saskia's name was announced, the live studio audience cheered her.
However, events took a turn for the worse things took a wrong turn when a divide in the house occurred and two members of her group, Anthony and Maxwell were banned from nominations - leaving Saskia in the vulnerable position of being nominated by the other group who sided with Makosi Musambasi after a heated confrontation between the pair.
Some of the comments Saskia made in her argument with Makosi sparked a debate about racism being a factor in the house and both Maxwell and Saskia were put up for the public vote. Saskia was evicted by a majority 71% of the vote and greeted the crowd to a mixed reception on Day 36. She received the highest percentage of any eviction vote during the whole series.
In her post-eviction interview, she later denied the matter by stating she was a quarter-Sri Lankan, a statement that did not justify or alter the opinions of many viewers.
This was Saskia’s nomination history during her stay in the Big Brother house:
1st (Day 5) - Saskia was nominated by Derek and Mary.
2nd (Day 11) - Saskia was nominated by Craig, Derek, Lesley and Vanessa.
3rd (Day 18) - Saskia was nominated by Science only.
4th (Day 25) - Saskia received no nominations.
5th (Day 32) – Saskia was nominated by Derek, Kemal, Makosi and Vanessa and was evicted via the public vote.
During her time in the Big Brother house Saskia coined phrases such as "end of" and "it's dog eat dog" although she didn't last too long and was evicted fifth when she and the oafish Maxwell were both nominated.
Even before her stint on Big Brother, Saskia enjoyed dating "famous" people and past boyfriends have included an Olympic swimmer, a Premiership footballer and she also dropped down a few divisions to hook up with Nottingham Forest striker Adam Nowland.
Saskia claims to go to the gym five times a week, she gets her nails done every month and is obsessed by fake tans.
Since leaving the house Saskia has been busy touring grotty nightclubs in a double act with Maxwell while also posing for glamour shots in lads mags to ensure she remains in the public eye.
sábado, 20 de noviembre de 2010
Big Brother 6 - Sam Heuston
Despite being the best looking girl in Big Brother 6, sexy Sam Heuston was voted out third, lasting a total of 22 days and despite describing herself as "the horniest girl you’ve ever met", bisexual-by-numbers Sam was quite dull in the house and couldn't even tempt eventual winner Anthony Hutton into some action.
Housemate Sam was a marketing student from Cheam, Surrey and 23-years-old when she entered the Big Brother house. She missed her final exam to participate on the TV show but gained a 2:2 degree anyway.
Sam dreamt of being famous and saw Big Brother as a stepping stone to bigger things. She had a boob job but never told her family and once stripped naked on a podium on holiday in Tenerife in exchange for tickets to an event. Her idol is Christina Aguilera and although she loves both men and women, she relieves herself of boredom by thinking and talking about men.
Before going into Big Brother, Sam believed the housemates would be annoyed at her prettiness. An issue that Sam raised in her continuous slanging match with "Lesleh".
She may have been pretty but also described herself as "original, funny and fun". However, there wasn't much evidence of that during her brief stint in the house.
By the second week of the show, Zoo magazine announced they would offer Sam a job as a sex columnist when she left the house - a role previously occupied by tabloid regular Jodie Marsh.
She lasted just another week when she was put up for eviction alongside Derek and Roberto, receiving 59% of the public and duly being evicted from the Big Brother house.
Sam had escaped being evicted at the second eviction on Friday 10 June (Day 15) when up against all her fellow housemates Anthony, Craig, Derek, Kemal, Lesley, Maxwell, Makosi, Roberto, Saskia, Science and Vanessa. If Big Brother had decided use the normal nomination procedure to choose possible evictees, Sam would have been up against Derek.
This is Sam’s nomination history during her stint in the house:
1st (Day 5) - Sam was nominated by Derek, Kemal, Lesley and Vanessa.
2nd (Day 11) - Sam was nominated by Craig, Derek, Lesley, Makosi, Roberto and Vanessa.
3rd (Day 18) - Sam was nominated by Anthony, Maxwell and Vanessa and was evicted by the public vote.
Since being evicted, Sam has beaten her obligatory battle against depression, had a short fling with Blue lothario Duncan James and dyed her hair blonde.
She has been an almost permanent fixture in the lads mags, been offered TV presenter roles and a sex columnist. She also appeared on an episode of the Italian version of Big Brother as an audience member.
With Big Brother 7 now well underway, Sam will have to come up with a new angle is she is to remain in the spotlight. A second appearance in reality TV, say Celebrity Love Island perhaps?
Housemate Sam was a marketing student from Cheam, Surrey and 23-years-old when she entered the Big Brother house. She missed her final exam to participate on the TV show but gained a 2:2 degree anyway.
Sam dreamt of being famous and saw Big Brother as a stepping stone to bigger things. She had a boob job but never told her family and once stripped naked on a podium on holiday in Tenerife in exchange for tickets to an event. Her idol is Christina Aguilera and although she loves both men and women, she relieves herself of boredom by thinking and talking about men.
Before going into Big Brother, Sam believed the housemates would be annoyed at her prettiness. An issue that Sam raised in her continuous slanging match with "Lesleh".
She may have been pretty but also described herself as "original, funny and fun". However, there wasn't much evidence of that during her brief stint in the house.
By the second week of the show, Zoo magazine announced they would offer Sam a job as a sex columnist when she left the house - a role previously occupied by tabloid regular Jodie Marsh.
She lasted just another week when she was put up for eviction alongside Derek and Roberto, receiving 59% of the public and duly being evicted from the Big Brother house.
Sam had escaped being evicted at the second eviction on Friday 10 June (Day 15) when up against all her fellow housemates Anthony, Craig, Derek, Kemal, Lesley, Maxwell, Makosi, Roberto, Saskia, Science and Vanessa. If Big Brother had decided use the normal nomination procedure to choose possible evictees, Sam would have been up against Derek.
This is Sam’s nomination history during her stint in the house:
1st (Day 5) - Sam was nominated by Derek, Kemal, Lesley and Vanessa.
2nd (Day 11) - Sam was nominated by Craig, Derek, Lesley, Makosi, Roberto and Vanessa.
3rd (Day 18) - Sam was nominated by Anthony, Maxwell and Vanessa and was evicted by the public vote.
Since being evicted, Sam has beaten her obligatory battle against depression, had a short fling with Blue lothario Duncan James and dyed her hair blonde.
She has been an almost permanent fixture in the lads mags, been offered TV presenter roles and a sex columnist. She also appeared on an episode of the Italian version of Big Brother as an audience member.
With Big Brother 7 now well underway, Sam will have to come up with a new angle is she is to remain in the spotlight. A second appearance in reality TV, say Celebrity Love Island perhaps?
viernes, 19 de noviembre de 2010
Alice Cooper - True Rock And Roll Is Live Once Again
The originator of “shock rock” is brining his live act back to the stage in 2006, and Alice Cooper is sure to create the same frenzy he always has. Cooper’s past acts on stage are famous, or infamous, depending on your point of view, but one thing that’s indisputable is that his show is one that every member of the audience remembers. Cooper’s sound is as memorable as his live act, and a look at his life may help explain how his persona came to be.
Early Life
Vincent Damon Furnier was born in Detroit on February 4, 1948. His heritage was quite interesting, in that his grandfather was an ordained Apostle of the Church of Jesus Christ and his father was an elder in the same church. After spending the first few years of his life in Detroit, the family decided to move to Phoenix, which was where Vincent spent his formative years.
Furnier enrolled at Cortez high school in Phoenix, and became known by his peers as a columnist in the school newspaper. His tone in these columns was quite sarcastic, and two of his loyal readers became his closest friends of the time - Glen Buxton and Dennis Dunaway. Buxton and Dunaway would play a large role in Furnier’s musical career down the road.
Furnier, Buxton and Dunaway were motivated by one thing in high school - gaining the attention and adulation of the female students at Cortez. Their first foray into the musical world occurred during a school talent show where they donned wigs and gave a mock performance of songs by The Beatles. Even though their show was definitely amateur in nature, the group discovered that music was definitely the way to go if they wanted to be popular.
The trio was joined by another friend, Michael Bruce, and the quartet formed a band named The Earwigs. The group’s musical influences included The Beatles, Pink Floyd, The Rolling Stones, The Who, The Kinks and especially Eric Clapton and The Yardbirds. The name “Earwigs” didn’t last long, as the band soon became known as the Spiders.
The Spiders released a single, "Don't Blow Your Mind," that was a hit on Phoenix radio, and as a result, the band once again changed their name to The Nazz and traveled to Hollywood to pursue larger goals. Despite years of struggle in Los Angeles, The Nazz did manage to play opening acts for such bands as The Doors and The Yardbirds. The final change came in 1968, when Todd Rundgren named his band The Nazz, forcing Furnier and his crew to rename their band “Alice Cooper.”
Alice Cooper Days
In 1969, the band Alice Cooper released their first album, Pretties For You, which sold reasonably well but was seen as an outlandish work at the time. One of the reasons was the legendary story that the band showed up still reeling from a night of heavy drinking to record the album. This legend helped play into the overall theme of craziness that the band embodied going forward.
The band Alice Cooper released a total of five albums, but they split up in 1974. Furnier then became known as Alice Cooper, and released his first album, Welcome to My Nightmare, in 1975. The album became a top ten hit, and Cooper was on his way to stardom.
Since then, Cooper has released more than 30 studio, live and compilation albums, and has sold millions of records worldwide. His onstage legend has never waned. Even though he denies biting the head off a chicken and drinking its blood, the story made waves all over the world and is still a subject of discussion in many interviews.
Cooper’s outrageousness is definitely part of why he is known, but he is also one of the top-selling artists of his time. He has always flown a bit under the radar, but his shock rock innovations have been admired and to an extent imitated by the likes of Judas Priest, Kiss, Megadeath and Marilyn Manson.
One thing is sure - to see Alice Cooper is to see a show you’ll never forget.
Early Life
Vincent Damon Furnier was born in Detroit on February 4, 1948. His heritage was quite interesting, in that his grandfather was an ordained Apostle of the Church of Jesus Christ and his father was an elder in the same church. After spending the first few years of his life in Detroit, the family decided to move to Phoenix, which was where Vincent spent his formative years.
Furnier enrolled at Cortez high school in Phoenix, and became known by his peers as a columnist in the school newspaper. His tone in these columns was quite sarcastic, and two of his loyal readers became his closest friends of the time - Glen Buxton and Dennis Dunaway. Buxton and Dunaway would play a large role in Furnier’s musical career down the road.
Furnier, Buxton and Dunaway were motivated by one thing in high school - gaining the attention and adulation of the female students at Cortez. Their first foray into the musical world occurred during a school talent show where they donned wigs and gave a mock performance of songs by The Beatles. Even though their show was definitely amateur in nature, the group discovered that music was definitely the way to go if they wanted to be popular.
The trio was joined by another friend, Michael Bruce, and the quartet formed a band named The Earwigs. The group’s musical influences included The Beatles, Pink Floyd, The Rolling Stones, The Who, The Kinks and especially Eric Clapton and The Yardbirds. The name “Earwigs” didn’t last long, as the band soon became known as the Spiders.
The Spiders released a single, "Don't Blow Your Mind," that was a hit on Phoenix radio, and as a result, the band once again changed their name to The Nazz and traveled to Hollywood to pursue larger goals. Despite years of struggle in Los Angeles, The Nazz did manage to play opening acts for such bands as The Doors and The Yardbirds. The final change came in 1968, when Todd Rundgren named his band The Nazz, forcing Furnier and his crew to rename their band “Alice Cooper.”
Alice Cooper Days
In 1969, the band Alice Cooper released their first album, Pretties For You, which sold reasonably well but was seen as an outlandish work at the time. One of the reasons was the legendary story that the band showed up still reeling from a night of heavy drinking to record the album. This legend helped play into the overall theme of craziness that the band embodied going forward.
The band Alice Cooper released a total of five albums, but they split up in 1974. Furnier then became known as Alice Cooper, and released his first album, Welcome to My Nightmare, in 1975. The album became a top ten hit, and Cooper was on his way to stardom.
Since then, Cooper has released more than 30 studio, live and compilation albums, and has sold millions of records worldwide. His onstage legend has never waned. Even though he denies biting the head off a chicken and drinking its blood, the story made waves all over the world and is still a subject of discussion in many interviews.
Cooper’s outrageousness is definitely part of why he is known, but he is also one of the top-selling artists of his time. He has always flown a bit under the radar, but his shock rock innovations have been admired and to an extent imitated by the likes of Judas Priest, Kiss, Megadeath and Marilyn Manson.
One thing is sure - to see Alice Cooper is to see a show you’ll never forget.
jueves, 18 de noviembre de 2010
Addiction to Fame and Celebrity
Question:
Are Narcissists addicted to being famous?
Answer:
You bet. This, by far, is their predominant drive. Being famous encompasses a few important functions: it endows the narcissist with power, provides him with a constant Source of Narcissistic Supply (admiration, adoration, approval, awe), and fulfils important Ego functions.
The image that the narcissist projects is hurled back at him, reflected by those exposed to his celebrity or fame. This way he feels alive, his very existence is affirmed and he acquires a sensation of clear boundaries (where the narcissist ends and the world begins).
There is a set of narcissistic behaviours typical to the pursuit of celebrity. There is almost nothing that the narcissist refrains from doing, almost no borders that he hesitates to cross to achieve renown. To him, there is no such thing as "bad publicity" – what matters is to be in the public eye.
Because the narcissist equally enjoys all types of attention and likes as much to be feared as to be loved, for instance – he doesn't mind if what is published about him is wrong ("as long as they spell my name correctly"). The narcissist's only bad emotional stretches are during periods of lack of attention, publicity, or exposure.
The narcissist then feels empty, hollowed out, negligible, humiliated, wrathful, discriminated against, deprived, neglected, treated unjustly and so on. At first, he tries to obtain attention from ever narrowing groups of reference ("supply scale down"). But the feeling that he is compromising gnaws at his anyhow fragile self-esteem.
Sooner or later, the spring bursts. The narcissist plots, contrives, plans, conspires, thinks, analyses, synthesises and does whatever else is necessary to regain the lost exposure in the public eye. The more he fails to secure the attention of the target group (always the largest) – the more daring, eccentric and outlandish he becomes. Firm decision to become known is transformed into resolute action and then to a panicky pattern of attention seeking behaviours.
The narcissist is not really interested in publicity per se. Narcissists are misleading. The narcissist appears to love himself – and, really, he abhors himself. Similarly, he appears to be interested in becoming a celebrity – and, in reality, he is concerned with the REACTIONS to his fame: people watch him, notice him, talk about him, debate his actions – therefore he exists.
The narcissist goes around "hunting and collecting" the way the expressions on people's faces change when they notice him. He places himself at the centre of attention, or even as a figure of controversy. He constantly and recurrently pesters those nearest and dearest to him in a bid to reassure himself that he is not losing his fame, his magic touch, the attention of his social milieu.
Truly, the narcissist is not choosy. If he can become famous as a writer – he writes, if as a businessman – he conducts business. He switches from one field to the other with ease and without remorse because in all of them he is present without conviction, bar the conviction that he must (and deserves to) get famous.
He grades activities, hobbies and people not according to the pleasure that they give him – but according to their utility: can they or can't they make him known and, if so, to what extent. The narcissist is one-track minded (not to say obsessive). His is a world of black (being unknown and deprived of attention) and white (being famous and celebrated).
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Mistreating Celebrities - An Interview
Granted to Superinteressante Magazine in Brazil
Q. Fame and TV shows about celebrities usually have a huge audience. This is understandable: people like to see other successful people. But why people like to see celebrities being humiliated?
A. As far as their fans are concerned, celebrities fulfil two emotional functions: they provide a mythical narrative (a story that the fan can follow and identify with) and they function as blank screens onto which the fans project their dreams, hopes, fears, plans, values, and desires (wish fulfilment). The slightest deviation from these prescribed roles provokes enormous rage and makes us want to punish (humiliate) the "deviant" celebrities.
But why?
When the human foibles, vulnerabilities, and frailties of a celebrity are revealed, the fan feels humiliated, "cheated", hopeless, and "empty". To reassert his self-worth, the fan must establish his or her moral superiority over the erring and "sinful" celebrity. The fan must "teach the celebrity a lesson" and show the celebrity "who's boss". It is a primitive defense mechanism - narcissistic grandiosity. It puts the fan on equal footing with the exposed and "naked" celebrity.
Q. This taste for watching a person being humiliated has something to do with the attraction to catastrophes and tragedies?
A. There is always a sadistic pleasure and a morbid fascination in vicarious suffering. Being spared the pains and tribulations others go through makes the observer feel "chosen", secure, and virtuous. The higher celebrities rise, the harder they fall. There is something gratifying in hubris defied and punished.
Q. Do you believe the audience put themselves in the place of the reporter (when he asks something embarrassing to a celebrity) and become in some way revenged?
A. The reporter "represents" the "bloodthirsty" public. Belittling celebrities or watching their comeuppance is the modern equivalent of the gladiator rink. Gossip used to fulfil the same function and now the mass media broadcast live the slaughtering of fallen gods. There is no question of revenge here - just Schadenfreude, the guilty joy of witnessing your superiors penalized and "cut down to size".
Q. In your country, who are the celebrities people love to hate?
A. Israelis like to watch politicians and wealthy businessmen reduced, demeaned, and slighted. In Macedonia, where I live, all famous people, regardless of their vocation, are subject to intense, proactive, and destructive envy. This love-hate relationship with their idols, this ambivalence, is attributed by psychodynamic theories of personal development to the child's emotions towards his parents. Indeed, we transfer and displace many negative emotions we harbor onto celebrities.
Q. I would never dare asking some questions the reporters from Panico ask the celebrities. What are the characteristics of people like these reporters?
A. Sadistic, ambitious, narcissistic, lacking empathy, self-righteous, pathologically and destructively envious, with a fluctuating sense of self-worth (possibly an inferiority complex).
6. Do you believe the actors and reporters want themselves to be as famous as the celebrities they tease? Because I think this is almost happening...
A. The line is very thin. Newsmakers and newsmen and women are celebrities merely because they are public figures and regardless of their true accomplishments. A celebrity is famous for being famous. Of course, such journalists will likely to fall prey to up and coming colleagues in an endless and self-perpetuating food chain...
7. I think that the fan-celebrity relationship gratifies both sides. What are the advantages the fans get and what are the advantages the celebrities get?
A. There is an implicit contract between a celebrity and his fans. The celebrity is obliged to "act the part", to fulfil the expectations of his admirers, not to deviate from the roles that they impose and he or she accepts. In return the fans shower the celebrity with adulation. They idolize him or her and make him or her feel omnipotent, immortal, "larger than life", omniscient, superior, and sui generis (unique).
What are the fans getting for their trouble?
Above all, the ability to vicariously share the celebrity's fabulous (and, usually, partly confabulated) existence. The celebrity becomes their "representative" in fantasyland, their extension and proxy, the reification and embodiment of their deepest desires and most secret and guilty dreams. Many celebrities are also role models or father/mother figures. Celebrities are proof that there is more to life than drab and routine. That beautiful - nay, perfect - people do exist and that they do lead charmed lives. There's hope yet - this is the celebrity's message to his fans.
The celebrity's inevitable downfall and corruption is the modern-day equivalent of the medieval morality play. This trajectory - from rags to riches and fame and back to rags or worse - proves that order and justice do prevail, that hubris invariably gets punished, and that the celebrity is no better, neither is he superior, to his fans.
8. Why are celebrities narcissists? How is this disorder born?
No one knows if pathological narcissism is the outcome of inherited traits, the sad result of abusive and traumatizing upbringing, or the confluence of both. Often, in the same family, with the same set of parents and an identical emotional environment - some siblings grow to be malignant narcissists, while others are perfectly "normal". Surely, this indicates a genetic predisposition of some people to develop narcissism.
It would seem reasonable to assume - though, at this stage, there is not a shred of proof - that the narcissist is born with a propensity to develop narcissistic defenses. These are triggered by abuse or trauma during the formative years in infancy or during early adolescence. By "abuse" I am referring to a spectrum of behaviors which objectify the child and treat it as an extension of the caregiver (parent) or as a mere instrument of gratification. Dotting and smothering are as abusive as beating and starving. And abuse can be dished out by peers as well as by parents, or by adult role models.
Not all celebrities are narcissists. Still, some of them surely are.
We all search for positive cues from people around us. These cues reinforce in us certain behaviour patterns. There is nothing special in the fact that the narcissist-celebrity does the same. However there are two major differences between the narcissistic and the normal personality.
The first is quantitative. The normal person is likely to welcome a moderate amount of attention – verbal and non-verbal – in the form of affirmation, approval, or admiration. Too much attention, though, is perceived as onerous and is avoided. Destructive and negative criticism is avoided altogether.
The narcissist, in contrast, is the mental equivalent of an alcoholic. He is insatiable. He directs his whole behaviour, in fact his life, to obtain these pleasurable titbits of attention. He embeds them in a coherent, completely biased, picture of himself. He uses them to regulates his labile (fluctuating) sense of self-worth and self-esteem.
To elicit constant interest, the narcissist projects on to others a confabulated, fictitious version of himself, known as the False Self. The False Self is everything the narcissist is not: omniscient, omnipotent, charming, intelligent, rich, or well-connected.
The narcissist then proceeds to harvest reactions to this projected image from family members, friends, co-workers, neighbours, business partners and from colleagues. If these – the adulation, admiration, attention, fear, respect, applause, affirmation – are not forthcoming, the narcissist demands them, or extorts them. Money, compliments, a favourable critique, an appearance in the media, a sexual conquest are all converted into the same currency in the narcissist's mind, into "narcissistic supply".
So, the narcissist is not really interested in publicity per se or in being famous. Truly he is concerned with the REACTIONS to his fame: how people watch him, notice him, talk about him, debate his actions. It "proves" to him that he exists.
The narcissist goes around "hunting and collecting" the way the expressions on people's faces change when they notice him. He places himself at the centre of attention, or even as a figure of controversy. He constantly and recurrently pesters those nearest and dearest to him in a bid to reassure himself that he is not losing his fame, his magic touch, the attention of his social milieu.
Are Narcissists addicted to being famous?
Answer:
You bet. This, by far, is their predominant drive. Being famous encompasses a few important functions: it endows the narcissist with power, provides him with a constant Source of Narcissistic Supply (admiration, adoration, approval, awe), and fulfils important Ego functions.
The image that the narcissist projects is hurled back at him, reflected by those exposed to his celebrity or fame. This way he feels alive, his very existence is affirmed and he acquires a sensation of clear boundaries (where the narcissist ends and the world begins).
There is a set of narcissistic behaviours typical to the pursuit of celebrity. There is almost nothing that the narcissist refrains from doing, almost no borders that he hesitates to cross to achieve renown. To him, there is no such thing as "bad publicity" – what matters is to be in the public eye.
Because the narcissist equally enjoys all types of attention and likes as much to be feared as to be loved, for instance – he doesn't mind if what is published about him is wrong ("as long as they spell my name correctly"). The narcissist's only bad emotional stretches are during periods of lack of attention, publicity, or exposure.
The narcissist then feels empty, hollowed out, negligible, humiliated, wrathful, discriminated against, deprived, neglected, treated unjustly and so on. At first, he tries to obtain attention from ever narrowing groups of reference ("supply scale down"). But the feeling that he is compromising gnaws at his anyhow fragile self-esteem.
Sooner or later, the spring bursts. The narcissist plots, contrives, plans, conspires, thinks, analyses, synthesises and does whatever else is necessary to regain the lost exposure in the public eye. The more he fails to secure the attention of the target group (always the largest) – the more daring, eccentric and outlandish he becomes. Firm decision to become known is transformed into resolute action and then to a panicky pattern of attention seeking behaviours.
The narcissist is not really interested in publicity per se. Narcissists are misleading. The narcissist appears to love himself – and, really, he abhors himself. Similarly, he appears to be interested in becoming a celebrity – and, in reality, he is concerned with the REACTIONS to his fame: people watch him, notice him, talk about him, debate his actions – therefore he exists.
The narcissist goes around "hunting and collecting" the way the expressions on people's faces change when they notice him. He places himself at the centre of attention, or even as a figure of controversy. He constantly and recurrently pesters those nearest and dearest to him in a bid to reassure himself that he is not losing his fame, his magic touch, the attention of his social milieu.
Truly, the narcissist is not choosy. If he can become famous as a writer – he writes, if as a businessman – he conducts business. He switches from one field to the other with ease and without remorse because in all of them he is present without conviction, bar the conviction that he must (and deserves to) get famous.
He grades activities, hobbies and people not according to the pleasure that they give him – but according to their utility: can they or can't they make him known and, if so, to what extent. The narcissist is one-track minded (not to say obsessive). His is a world of black (being unknown and deprived of attention) and white (being famous and celebrated).
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Mistreating Celebrities - An Interview
Granted to Superinteressante Magazine in Brazil
Q. Fame and TV shows about celebrities usually have a huge audience. This is understandable: people like to see other successful people. But why people like to see celebrities being humiliated?
A. As far as their fans are concerned, celebrities fulfil two emotional functions: they provide a mythical narrative (a story that the fan can follow and identify with) and they function as blank screens onto which the fans project their dreams, hopes, fears, plans, values, and desires (wish fulfilment). The slightest deviation from these prescribed roles provokes enormous rage and makes us want to punish (humiliate) the "deviant" celebrities.
But why?
When the human foibles, vulnerabilities, and frailties of a celebrity are revealed, the fan feels humiliated, "cheated", hopeless, and "empty". To reassert his self-worth, the fan must establish his or her moral superiority over the erring and "sinful" celebrity. The fan must "teach the celebrity a lesson" and show the celebrity "who's boss". It is a primitive defense mechanism - narcissistic grandiosity. It puts the fan on equal footing with the exposed and "naked" celebrity.
Q. This taste for watching a person being humiliated has something to do with the attraction to catastrophes and tragedies?
A. There is always a sadistic pleasure and a morbid fascination in vicarious suffering. Being spared the pains and tribulations others go through makes the observer feel "chosen", secure, and virtuous. The higher celebrities rise, the harder they fall. There is something gratifying in hubris defied and punished.
Q. Do you believe the audience put themselves in the place of the reporter (when he asks something embarrassing to a celebrity) and become in some way revenged?
A. The reporter "represents" the "bloodthirsty" public. Belittling celebrities or watching their comeuppance is the modern equivalent of the gladiator rink. Gossip used to fulfil the same function and now the mass media broadcast live the slaughtering of fallen gods. There is no question of revenge here - just Schadenfreude, the guilty joy of witnessing your superiors penalized and "cut down to size".
Q. In your country, who are the celebrities people love to hate?
A. Israelis like to watch politicians and wealthy businessmen reduced, demeaned, and slighted. In Macedonia, where I live, all famous people, regardless of their vocation, are subject to intense, proactive, and destructive envy. This love-hate relationship with their idols, this ambivalence, is attributed by psychodynamic theories of personal development to the child's emotions towards his parents. Indeed, we transfer and displace many negative emotions we harbor onto celebrities.
Q. I would never dare asking some questions the reporters from Panico ask the celebrities. What are the characteristics of people like these reporters?
A. Sadistic, ambitious, narcissistic, lacking empathy, self-righteous, pathologically and destructively envious, with a fluctuating sense of self-worth (possibly an inferiority complex).
6. Do you believe the actors and reporters want themselves to be as famous as the celebrities they tease? Because I think this is almost happening...
A. The line is very thin. Newsmakers and newsmen and women are celebrities merely because they are public figures and regardless of their true accomplishments. A celebrity is famous for being famous. Of course, such journalists will likely to fall prey to up and coming colleagues in an endless and self-perpetuating food chain...
7. I think that the fan-celebrity relationship gratifies both sides. What are the advantages the fans get and what are the advantages the celebrities get?
A. There is an implicit contract between a celebrity and his fans. The celebrity is obliged to "act the part", to fulfil the expectations of his admirers, not to deviate from the roles that they impose and he or she accepts. In return the fans shower the celebrity with adulation. They idolize him or her and make him or her feel omnipotent, immortal, "larger than life", omniscient, superior, and sui generis (unique).
What are the fans getting for their trouble?
Above all, the ability to vicariously share the celebrity's fabulous (and, usually, partly confabulated) existence. The celebrity becomes their "representative" in fantasyland, their extension and proxy, the reification and embodiment of their deepest desires and most secret and guilty dreams. Many celebrities are also role models or father/mother figures. Celebrities are proof that there is more to life than drab and routine. That beautiful - nay, perfect - people do exist and that they do lead charmed lives. There's hope yet - this is the celebrity's message to his fans.
The celebrity's inevitable downfall and corruption is the modern-day equivalent of the medieval morality play. This trajectory - from rags to riches and fame and back to rags or worse - proves that order and justice do prevail, that hubris invariably gets punished, and that the celebrity is no better, neither is he superior, to his fans.
8. Why are celebrities narcissists? How is this disorder born?
No one knows if pathological narcissism is the outcome of inherited traits, the sad result of abusive and traumatizing upbringing, or the confluence of both. Often, in the same family, with the same set of parents and an identical emotional environment - some siblings grow to be malignant narcissists, while others are perfectly "normal". Surely, this indicates a genetic predisposition of some people to develop narcissism.
It would seem reasonable to assume - though, at this stage, there is not a shred of proof - that the narcissist is born with a propensity to develop narcissistic defenses. These are triggered by abuse or trauma during the formative years in infancy or during early adolescence. By "abuse" I am referring to a spectrum of behaviors which objectify the child and treat it as an extension of the caregiver (parent) or as a mere instrument of gratification. Dotting and smothering are as abusive as beating and starving. And abuse can be dished out by peers as well as by parents, or by adult role models.
Not all celebrities are narcissists. Still, some of them surely are.
We all search for positive cues from people around us. These cues reinforce in us certain behaviour patterns. There is nothing special in the fact that the narcissist-celebrity does the same. However there are two major differences between the narcissistic and the normal personality.
The first is quantitative. The normal person is likely to welcome a moderate amount of attention – verbal and non-verbal – in the form of affirmation, approval, or admiration. Too much attention, though, is perceived as onerous and is avoided. Destructive and negative criticism is avoided altogether.
The narcissist, in contrast, is the mental equivalent of an alcoholic. He is insatiable. He directs his whole behaviour, in fact his life, to obtain these pleasurable titbits of attention. He embeds them in a coherent, completely biased, picture of himself. He uses them to regulates his labile (fluctuating) sense of self-worth and self-esteem.
To elicit constant interest, the narcissist projects on to others a confabulated, fictitious version of himself, known as the False Self. The False Self is everything the narcissist is not: omniscient, omnipotent, charming, intelligent, rich, or well-connected.
The narcissist then proceeds to harvest reactions to this projected image from family members, friends, co-workers, neighbours, business partners and from colleagues. If these – the adulation, admiration, attention, fear, respect, applause, affirmation – are not forthcoming, the narcissist demands them, or extorts them. Money, compliments, a favourable critique, an appearance in the media, a sexual conquest are all converted into the same currency in the narcissist's mind, into "narcissistic supply".
So, the narcissist is not really interested in publicity per se or in being famous. Truly he is concerned with the REACTIONS to his fame: how people watch him, notice him, talk about him, debate his actions. It "proves" to him that he exists.
The narcissist goes around "hunting and collecting" the way the expressions on people's faces change when they notice him. He places himself at the centre of attention, or even as a figure of controversy. He constantly and recurrently pesters those nearest and dearest to him in a bid to reassure himself that he is not losing his fame, his magic touch, the attention of his social milieu.
miércoles, 17 de noviembre de 2010
4 Secrets To Becoming A Guest On Top Tv Talk Shows
The phone rings. You hear an authoritative voice say, *Hello, I'm the producer of...Good Morning America or Oprah, or Larry King Live* or any other top talk show, you name it. This is your big moment, the break you've been waiting for. After you catch your breath what do you do?
Producers make an instant assessment of you in thirty seconds--or less. When you get that coveted call from a producer, you aren't just *talking* to him: you're auditioning. You are being screened to be accepted or eliminated as a guest on their show. How can you pass the audition?
Secret #1: Ask Before You Speak
Before you even open your mouth to start pitching yourself and your story to the producer, ask them a simple question: *Can you tell me a little bit about the kind of show you envision?* In other words, ask the producer the angle he is planning to take.
Doing so has two advantages. First, it gives you a moment to overcome the shock and to collect your thoughts.
Second, once you hear the producer's reply, you can gear your pitch to the type of information he's seeking. Listen closely to the angle that he's interested in and tailor your points to it. Publicists often use this technique to get their clients booked on shows. They *get* before they *give* - so they are in a good position to tell only the most pertinent information about their client.
Secret #2: Wow the Producers with Brevity
Follow the advice of jazz musician Dizzy Gillespie: *It's not how much you play. It's how much you leave out.* Keep your list of talking points by the phone when you call a producer (or a producer calls you), so you'll be succinct. You will already have rehearsed your points so that they'll sound natural and inviting. Be prepared with several different angles or pitches, different ways to slant your information. *Nobody gets on these shows without a pre- interview,* says publicist Leslie Rossman. *Be a great interview but don't worry about the product you want to sell them because if you're a great guest and you make great TV, they'll want you.*
And keep in mind the words of Robert Frost: *Half the world is composed of people who have something to say and can't, and the other half who have nothing to say and keep on saying it.*
Secret #3: Prove You're Not a Nutcase
If you area nutcase on the air, the producer will lose their job. What constitutes a nutcase? You may think it's a positive trait to be enthusiastic (and it is), but anyone who is overly zealous about his passion is considered a nut. Best-selling author and screenwriter Richard Price talks about this phenomenon as *The dangerous thrill of goodness.* He says, *What happens is you can get very excited by your own power to do good.* Don't get carried away by this thrill.
One way to tell if you're being too zealous is that you're hammering your point at top speed with the energy of a locomotive pulling that toot lever non-stop. I remember a man calling me up about how he was single-handedly taking on Starbucks - who, he felt, had done him wrong. He wanted me to promote his cause. While this could have been a great David versus Goliath type story, he was long on emotion and short on facts. Some statistics or figures would have tempered his mania.
But he also never checked in with me to see if he had my interest. By talking loudly and barely pausing for a breath, he appeared to be a man who wouldn't take direction well. His single-mindedness was off- putting, not engaging.
When you're talking to a producer speak for 30 seconds or so and then check in by asking, *Is this the kind of information you're looking for?* Listen for other verbal cues, such as encouraging grunts, or *uh huhs.*
Secret #4: Can You Mark *The Big Point?*
Contributors to the popular radio show *This American Life,* hosted by Ira Glass, have taken to calling the wrap-up epiphany at the end of a story, *The Big Point.* This is the moment that the narrator gives his perspective on the story in an attempt to elevate it from the mundane to the universal.
Another radio personality, Garrison Keillor, is a master at it. He tells long, rambling stories (not good advice for you), then ties up all the story strands in a coherent and satisfying way. As a great guest, you want to illuminate your story with a big standout point that helps the audience see the significance of your story in their world and the world at large. Rather than hitting them over the head with a two-by-four, you want to share your insights with a feather-like touch. By framing your story you alert the producer to the fact that you're a thinker and can contribute great insights and clarity to a story thus increasing its appeal.
Producers make an instant assessment of you in thirty seconds--or less. When you get that coveted call from a producer, you aren't just *talking* to him: you're auditioning. You are being screened to be accepted or eliminated as a guest on their show. How can you pass the audition?
Secret #1: Ask Before You Speak
Before you even open your mouth to start pitching yourself and your story to the producer, ask them a simple question: *Can you tell me a little bit about the kind of show you envision?* In other words, ask the producer the angle he is planning to take.
Doing so has two advantages. First, it gives you a moment to overcome the shock and to collect your thoughts.
Second, once you hear the producer's reply, you can gear your pitch to the type of information he's seeking. Listen closely to the angle that he's interested in and tailor your points to it. Publicists often use this technique to get their clients booked on shows. They *get* before they *give* - so they are in a good position to tell only the most pertinent information about their client.
Secret #2: Wow the Producers with Brevity
Follow the advice of jazz musician Dizzy Gillespie: *It's not how much you play. It's how much you leave out.* Keep your list of talking points by the phone when you call a producer (or a producer calls you), so you'll be succinct. You will already have rehearsed your points so that they'll sound natural and inviting. Be prepared with several different angles or pitches, different ways to slant your information. *Nobody gets on these shows without a pre- interview,* says publicist Leslie Rossman. *Be a great interview but don't worry about the product you want to sell them because if you're a great guest and you make great TV, they'll want you.*
And keep in mind the words of Robert Frost: *Half the world is composed of people who have something to say and can't, and the other half who have nothing to say and keep on saying it.*
Secret #3: Prove You're Not a Nutcase
If you area nutcase on the air, the producer will lose their job. What constitutes a nutcase? You may think it's a positive trait to be enthusiastic (and it is), but anyone who is overly zealous about his passion is considered a nut. Best-selling author and screenwriter Richard Price talks about this phenomenon as *The dangerous thrill of goodness.* He says, *What happens is you can get very excited by your own power to do good.* Don't get carried away by this thrill.
One way to tell if you're being too zealous is that you're hammering your point at top speed with the energy of a locomotive pulling that toot lever non-stop. I remember a man calling me up about how he was single-handedly taking on Starbucks - who, he felt, had done him wrong. He wanted me to promote his cause. While this could have been a great David versus Goliath type story, he was long on emotion and short on facts. Some statistics or figures would have tempered his mania.
But he also never checked in with me to see if he had my interest. By talking loudly and barely pausing for a breath, he appeared to be a man who wouldn't take direction well. His single-mindedness was off- putting, not engaging.
When you're talking to a producer speak for 30 seconds or so and then check in by asking, *Is this the kind of information you're looking for?* Listen for other verbal cues, such as encouraging grunts, or *uh huhs.*
Secret #4: Can You Mark *The Big Point?*
Contributors to the popular radio show *This American Life,* hosted by Ira Glass, have taken to calling the wrap-up epiphany at the end of a story, *The Big Point.* This is the moment that the narrator gives his perspective on the story in an attempt to elevate it from the mundane to the universal.
Another radio personality, Garrison Keillor, is a master at it. He tells long, rambling stories (not good advice for you), then ties up all the story strands in a coherent and satisfying way. As a great guest, you want to illuminate your story with a big standout point that helps the audience see the significance of your story in their world and the world at large. Rather than hitting them over the head with a two-by-four, you want to share your insights with a feather-like touch. By framing your story you alert the producer to the fact that you're a thinker and can contribute great insights and clarity to a story thus increasing its appeal.
martes, 16 de noviembre de 2010
"Redemption"is key motive- Big Brother All-stars Candidates Released
CBS has announced and posted all 20 potential Big Brother Candidates. The names have been floating around chat forums, blogs, myspace, and fan sites all over the web since the announcement of the show earlier this year. The key for the most of the houseguests? Redemption! Most of the chosen ones made big mistakes somewhere in the game, were stabbed in the back by another player, or just simply played the game wrong.
George
This guy seems to be the type who always tried to fit in by standing out- His nickname, Chicken, came from his duty to guard the household chicken.
Bunky
Bunky is the housguest who is known for his crying. He played the "nice guy" card, and we all know nice guys finish last! Bunky spent most of his time in the house crying, while the people around him tried to manipulate him. His best friend in the house, Kent,who first judged him, still remains a close friend to him outside the house. Bunky wants to come back and play the game completely different- and as he says he won't cry too!
Will
"You think its easy being good-looking?" Many fans love this guy- why? Because he knows that bad boys are sexy! He called his game playing ruthless and that he planned to lie from day one. He also claims he pioneered the strategy of being evil. He believes people should vote for him because he has a big ego and he would like to try to mix things up a bit.
Mike
"I am the type of guy you want to hang with instead of buying insurance from." Mike boogie was part of the chill town alliance and he states he liked hanging with the 'Bratt pack.' He said his biggest mistake was falling in love with Christa whom he asked to marry on the show, got engaged, and then broke up after the show. He thinks that being 'in love' clouded his judgment and wants to show America how strategic he can be. Good friends with Evil Dr. Will, he is wanting to step from beyond his friends shadow and take the lead.
Monica
"It's on" this girl is strong and a true force of female power. She claims she wants to continue to keep it real and for anyone who tries to get in her way to watch out. She even scares me! A true competitor!
Marcellas
Marcellas was always seen looking at himself in admiration and was quoted saying " I love looking at myself." Marcellas is a fan favorite, as since he was evicted he has worked on "House Calls" making comments on all Big Brother houses since his time. Him and Amy were two outcasts that were used to being popular until they entered the big brother house, only to be shunned by all. Marcellas made the mistake of giving up his veto to keep his only friend in the house, in what he refers to as, "a crazy greek tragedy". Marcellas wants to come back into the house to correct his big mistakes.
Lisa
Lisa- known for her infamous peanut butter bikini- and her quote " I keep my eyes shut and my mouth open," was one loud mouth in Big Brother. She is one of the few winners that will attempt to get back into the Big Brother House. This time she wants to come back and play the game although she won the last won she was in. She is ready to dodge bullets, as a past winner, she has nothing to loose.
Danielle
People either love to hate me, or hate to love me" a controversial player that will try to return to the show. In tonight's show she reflected in what she called " real and raw" dairy room sessions where she counted down to her victory. She also created a secret alliance with Jason that never uncovered landing them both in the top three. She was so close to winning that the only thing on her mind is "redemption".
Erika
Erika was really pumped to enter the house in BB4 until she saw her X boyfriend in the shows ex-factor twist. She would like to enter the house and try to win as one of the "good" guys. In BB4 she created a strong alliance with jack, but that alliance was not good enough. She is ready for anything this time and especially ready to redeem herself.
Dana
"I'm soooo pissed off" Dana was known for calling it like it is. She claims her personality is "spicy." She made her biggest mistake early when she switched sides and voted against her alliance only to get voted out in the next round.
Alison
"A Girls got to do what a girls got to do"- Alison, the houseguest everybody hated. She started off the show seducing all the boys, and in know time she was hated. She said that manipulating men was a part of her strategy as well as telling people exactly what they wanted to hear. She managed to squeak by and win second place, only to be brutally defeated with a 1: 6 vote loss. She believes that the first looser crap is not good enough for her and is coming back strong with vengeance.
Jase
"That was not from Jesus" Full of antics he labeled his BB5 crew, the "Four idiot horseman." Jase was thrown off guard when he was caught calling out other housguests. He was a rat on a sinking ship pretty fast! Jase believes all-stars would not be the same without him. He wants to be back, wearing head-gear... a Born again houseguest.
Michael
Michael "cowboy" - The only cowboy on big brother wants to return. He began his reign in the house acting wild but that was suddenly halted when he found out he had a sister and a father, and his sister was in the house with him! His sob story drove him to the end where he just missed the money. He thinks that when you get that close to the money its the hardest to loose it. People stated he rode the coattails to the finals, and he is ready to prove he deserves to be the winner.
Nakomis
Nakomis--Jennifer found out that Michael was her brother on the show. She had her own crafty personality, with new hair styles and poetry. Her passionate tirade against the producers, the series and reality shows in general, made her a memorable player in big brother. She states that her relationship with Michael is on and off again today, and that the most painful memory of her eviction was having the single vote that casted her out come from her brother. She wants to be the snake in the grass in the all stars competition
Diane
"When I want something, I get it." Diane is another one who fell in love on Big brother. She became winner Drew's girlfriend where later Drew chose to take cowboy Michael over her to the voting round. She stated that being with him costed her the game, and that nobody will break her down. She is also wants to come back in the name of "redemption!"
Howie
Howie made himself known quickly as BUSTO- a man who loves boobies. He was also always trying to be a JEDI and could be seen with his light sabers on several episodes. He had a secret partner Janelle. Howie has made the biggest online appearance creating his own games, starting online chats and promoting his own products. Howie believes "Big brother without Howie is like a day without sunshine." He also believes he was the best looking guy on the show.
Kaysar
Kaysar was the first Muslim on Big Brother, and although an extremely nice guy he was also an outcast. According to him, people thought they could take advantage of him, and that he was evicted way too early. Kasyar, although unpopular on the show has become extremely popular in reality. He appeared on the soap opera "the young and the restless" as well as an appearance in the new show "half and half." He is know for his quote " No, I sealed your partners fate." Kaysar is a hot pick in several big brother fan forums.
Ivette
"Im going to get Cuban on your ass" She believes that her biggest mistake on the show was choosing the wrong friends and alliances. Often seen on the show as loud and part of the "nerd herd" she wants to ditch those stereotypes and play a different game.
James
"Veto King" James was not well liked on the show. He claims no one was as feared and as hated as him. He survived because of his ability to capture the most veto's in big brother history. James promises that he will return with the same tenacity as before. James is also a favorite in forums all over the web.
Janelle
"Bye Bye Bitches!"The most highly quoted, fun loving, big brother candidate. Most houseguests would also love to see her return. Although a Tall foxy blonde, Janelle is know dummy and a strong competitor. She states she will do anything to win...ANYTHING!...
Well what are you waiting for? Vote for your favorites now! Join us at http;//www.morebigbrother.com
George
This guy seems to be the type who always tried to fit in by standing out- His nickname, Chicken, came from his duty to guard the household chicken.
Bunky
Bunky is the housguest who is known for his crying. He played the "nice guy" card, and we all know nice guys finish last! Bunky spent most of his time in the house crying, while the people around him tried to manipulate him. His best friend in the house, Kent,who first judged him, still remains a close friend to him outside the house. Bunky wants to come back and play the game completely different- and as he says he won't cry too!
Will
"You think its easy being good-looking?" Many fans love this guy- why? Because he knows that bad boys are sexy! He called his game playing ruthless and that he planned to lie from day one. He also claims he pioneered the strategy of being evil. He believes people should vote for him because he has a big ego and he would like to try to mix things up a bit.
Mike
"I am the type of guy you want to hang with instead of buying insurance from." Mike boogie was part of the chill town alliance and he states he liked hanging with the 'Bratt pack.' He said his biggest mistake was falling in love with Christa whom he asked to marry on the show, got engaged, and then broke up after the show. He thinks that being 'in love' clouded his judgment and wants to show America how strategic he can be. Good friends with Evil Dr. Will, he is wanting to step from beyond his friends shadow and take the lead.
Monica
"It's on" this girl is strong and a true force of female power. She claims she wants to continue to keep it real and for anyone who tries to get in her way to watch out. She even scares me! A true competitor!
Marcellas
Marcellas was always seen looking at himself in admiration and was quoted saying " I love looking at myself." Marcellas is a fan favorite, as since he was evicted he has worked on "House Calls" making comments on all Big Brother houses since his time. Him and Amy were two outcasts that were used to being popular until they entered the big brother house, only to be shunned by all. Marcellas made the mistake of giving up his veto to keep his only friend in the house, in what he refers to as, "a crazy greek tragedy". Marcellas wants to come back into the house to correct his big mistakes.
Lisa
Lisa- known for her infamous peanut butter bikini- and her quote " I keep my eyes shut and my mouth open," was one loud mouth in Big Brother. She is one of the few winners that will attempt to get back into the Big Brother House. This time she wants to come back and play the game although she won the last won she was in. She is ready to dodge bullets, as a past winner, she has nothing to loose.
Danielle
People either love to hate me, or hate to love me" a controversial player that will try to return to the show. In tonight's show she reflected in what she called " real and raw" dairy room sessions where she counted down to her victory. She also created a secret alliance with Jason that never uncovered landing them both in the top three. She was so close to winning that the only thing on her mind is "redemption".
Erika
Erika was really pumped to enter the house in BB4 until she saw her X boyfriend in the shows ex-factor twist. She would like to enter the house and try to win as one of the "good" guys. In BB4 she created a strong alliance with jack, but that alliance was not good enough. She is ready for anything this time and especially ready to redeem herself.
Dana
"I'm soooo pissed off" Dana was known for calling it like it is. She claims her personality is "spicy." She made her biggest mistake early when she switched sides and voted against her alliance only to get voted out in the next round.
Alison
"A Girls got to do what a girls got to do"- Alison, the houseguest everybody hated. She started off the show seducing all the boys, and in know time she was hated. She said that manipulating men was a part of her strategy as well as telling people exactly what they wanted to hear. She managed to squeak by and win second place, only to be brutally defeated with a 1: 6 vote loss. She believes that the first looser crap is not good enough for her and is coming back strong with vengeance.
Jase
"That was not from Jesus" Full of antics he labeled his BB5 crew, the "Four idiot horseman." Jase was thrown off guard when he was caught calling out other housguests. He was a rat on a sinking ship pretty fast! Jase believes all-stars would not be the same without him. He wants to be back, wearing head-gear... a Born again houseguest.
Michael
Michael "cowboy" - The only cowboy on big brother wants to return. He began his reign in the house acting wild but that was suddenly halted when he found out he had a sister and a father, and his sister was in the house with him! His sob story drove him to the end where he just missed the money. He thinks that when you get that close to the money its the hardest to loose it. People stated he rode the coattails to the finals, and he is ready to prove he deserves to be the winner.
Nakomis
Nakomis--Jennifer found out that Michael was her brother on the show. She had her own crafty personality, with new hair styles and poetry. Her passionate tirade against the producers, the series and reality shows in general, made her a memorable player in big brother. She states that her relationship with Michael is on and off again today, and that the most painful memory of her eviction was having the single vote that casted her out come from her brother. She wants to be the snake in the grass in the all stars competition
Diane
"When I want something, I get it." Diane is another one who fell in love on Big brother. She became winner Drew's girlfriend where later Drew chose to take cowboy Michael over her to the voting round. She stated that being with him costed her the game, and that nobody will break her down. She is also wants to come back in the name of "redemption!"
Howie
Howie made himself known quickly as BUSTO- a man who loves boobies. He was also always trying to be a JEDI and could be seen with his light sabers on several episodes. He had a secret partner Janelle. Howie has made the biggest online appearance creating his own games, starting online chats and promoting his own products. Howie believes "Big brother without Howie is like a day without sunshine." He also believes he was the best looking guy on the show.
Kaysar
Kaysar was the first Muslim on Big Brother, and although an extremely nice guy he was also an outcast. According to him, people thought they could take advantage of him, and that he was evicted way too early. Kasyar, although unpopular on the show has become extremely popular in reality. He appeared on the soap opera "the young and the restless" as well as an appearance in the new show "half and half." He is know for his quote " No, I sealed your partners fate." Kaysar is a hot pick in several big brother fan forums.
Ivette
"Im going to get Cuban on your ass" She believes that her biggest mistake on the show was choosing the wrong friends and alliances. Often seen on the show as loud and part of the "nerd herd" she wants to ditch those stereotypes and play a different game.
James
"Veto King" James was not well liked on the show. He claims no one was as feared and as hated as him. He survived because of his ability to capture the most veto's in big brother history. James promises that he will return with the same tenacity as before. James is also a favorite in forums all over the web.
Janelle
"Bye Bye Bitches!"The most highly quoted, fun loving, big brother candidate. Most houseguests would also love to see her return. Although a Tall foxy blonde, Janelle is know dummy and a strong competitor. She states she will do anything to win...ANYTHING!...
Well what are you waiting for? Vote for your favorites now! Join us at http;//www.morebigbrother.com
A Celebration of Life Begins With Lunch
On an ordinary afternoon in St. Augustine, Fla., a group of extraordinary people met at a local restaurant for a single purpose - to celebrate their accomplishments, share inspiration and encourage each other while enjoying a meal.
They came for their weekly Friday lunch from all walks of life: parents and realtors, mortgage brokers and doctor's assistants, life coaches and flower shop employees. Many represented their own entrepreneurial ventures such as jewelry making, business coaching, spas and health clubs. Regardless of where they came from, they were there for each other, to spend an hour in support and fellowship.
These weekly luncheons are held in five other cities, sponsored by the organization Women Celebrations and attended by both men and women. Each luncheon has a theme that suggests the independence and success to which all people aspire, according to founder Sheryl Lynn. Themes have been as varied as "magnificence," "confidence" and "work." At an "applause" themed gathering, each attendee explained to the group why he or she deserved applause.
Members talked about moving from out of state and changing careers, business successes and personal joys. Each of the speakers received heartfelt applause as they took a moment to "stand in their power," Lynn's expression for people's ability to find success and empowerment within themselves.
It was the need to celebrate everyday things that inspired Lynn to create Women Celebrations. Despite success as a mother of three and an entrepreneur, at the end of the day she felt exhausted and disheartened.
"I was not patting myself on the back upon the completion of these marvelous things. And certainly no one else was either," Lynn said.
In starting Women Celebrations, she created an environment in which support and encouragement played a vital role.
Today, Women Celebrations has a strong presence in northern Florida and more chapters, or "loops," are appearing across the country. The organization is open to everyone wishing to celebrate their lives, share their experiences with others through positive interaction and build a sense of community.
They came for their weekly Friday lunch from all walks of life: parents and realtors, mortgage brokers and doctor's assistants, life coaches and flower shop employees. Many represented their own entrepreneurial ventures such as jewelry making, business coaching, spas and health clubs. Regardless of where they came from, they were there for each other, to spend an hour in support and fellowship.
These weekly luncheons are held in five other cities, sponsored by the organization Women Celebrations and attended by both men and women. Each luncheon has a theme that suggests the independence and success to which all people aspire, according to founder Sheryl Lynn. Themes have been as varied as "magnificence," "confidence" and "work." At an "applause" themed gathering, each attendee explained to the group why he or she deserved applause.
Members talked about moving from out of state and changing careers, business successes and personal joys. Each of the speakers received heartfelt applause as they took a moment to "stand in their power," Lynn's expression for people's ability to find success and empowerment within themselves.
It was the need to celebrate everyday things that inspired Lynn to create Women Celebrations. Despite success as a mother of three and an entrepreneur, at the end of the day she felt exhausted and disheartened.
"I was not patting myself on the back upon the completion of these marvelous things. And certainly no one else was either," Lynn said.
In starting Women Celebrations, she created an environment in which support and encouragement played a vital role.
Today, Women Celebrations has a strong presence in northern Florida and more chapters, or "loops," are appearing across the country. The organization is open to everyone wishing to celebrate their lives, share their experiences with others through positive interaction and build a sense of community.
domingo, 14 de noviembre de 2010
Cell Phones and the Dentist
Don't you just hate people who talk on their cell phones while they drive? Blindly babbling away, not paying attention to the road, endangering everyone nearby … so inconsiderate.
Anyway, today while I was chatting on the phone and driving to the dentist, I got a tiny bit distracted and turned onto the wrong road … twice. But I cleverly figured out a shortcut back to where I belonged and pulled into the parking lot right on time. Unfortunately, it was the parking lot at my doctor's office, not my dentist's.
Now, I've always been a little reluctant to go to the dentist. When I was young, they used to lie to me to get me there. Of course once I knew what was happening I would throw a crying fit — in the car on the way to the dentist, in the elevator on the way up to the office, in the waiting room, in the dentist's chair throughout the entire visit, in the office while my mother paid, in the elevator on the way down, in the car on the way home, and once again when my father came home that night just to be sure everyone knew how I felt about it.
My mother was afraid of the dentist. And she shared that fear and its effects with her children. She picked our dentist based solely on the fact that he would give her lots of Novocain. Lots of Novocain. Much Novocain. Beyond that, she never really bothered about the skills-as-a-dentist thing.
My own theory is that dentistry was invented by Beelzebub, based largely on the fact that our dentist looked exactly the way I imagined a Devil's minion would look. And, oh, by the way, when we were finally done and wanted nothing more than to run as fast and as far as possible, he would smile at us kids, with his coke-bottle-thick glasses making him look popeyed, and hand us each a lollipop. Maybe not the best dentist, but surely a clever businessman lining up return customers.
Today, even after better dentists have shown me that there may possibly be some redeeming value in dental care, I still get a bit unsettled before an appointment. Therefore, I have two things to say about the cell phone thing:
1) It might have been the fact of going to the dentist that distracted me and not the cell phone. I think, maybe, my subconscious was trying to get me to go to the wrong place and miss my appointment completely. Self-protection is a very powerful instinct in times of peril. That could explain it.
2) If it was the cell phone use, I think I deserve an exemption from condemnation because, after all, I was on my way to the dentist. Maybe I wouldn't have been able to talk again when I came out. One little slip of the drill and, oops. Or I could have choked on one of the forty appliances they had crammed into my mouth just before asking me how I was doing.
Either way, I feel completely justified in continuing to judge others if they use a cell phone while driving. Unless, of course, I learn that they were on their way to the dentist.
Anyway, today while I was chatting on the phone and driving to the dentist, I got a tiny bit distracted and turned onto the wrong road … twice. But I cleverly figured out a shortcut back to where I belonged and pulled into the parking lot right on time. Unfortunately, it was the parking lot at my doctor's office, not my dentist's.
Now, I've always been a little reluctant to go to the dentist. When I was young, they used to lie to me to get me there. Of course once I knew what was happening I would throw a crying fit — in the car on the way to the dentist, in the elevator on the way up to the office, in the waiting room, in the dentist's chair throughout the entire visit, in the office while my mother paid, in the elevator on the way down, in the car on the way home, and once again when my father came home that night just to be sure everyone knew how I felt about it.
My mother was afraid of the dentist. And she shared that fear and its effects with her children. She picked our dentist based solely on the fact that he would give her lots of Novocain. Lots of Novocain. Much Novocain. Beyond that, she never really bothered about the skills-as-a-dentist thing.
My own theory is that dentistry was invented by Beelzebub, based largely on the fact that our dentist looked exactly the way I imagined a Devil's minion would look. And, oh, by the way, when we were finally done and wanted nothing more than to run as fast and as far as possible, he would smile at us kids, with his coke-bottle-thick glasses making him look popeyed, and hand us each a lollipop. Maybe not the best dentist, but surely a clever businessman lining up return customers.
Today, even after better dentists have shown me that there may possibly be some redeeming value in dental care, I still get a bit unsettled before an appointment. Therefore, I have two things to say about the cell phone thing:
1) It might have been the fact of going to the dentist that distracted me and not the cell phone. I think, maybe, my subconscious was trying to get me to go to the wrong place and miss my appointment completely. Self-protection is a very powerful instinct in times of peril. That could explain it.
2) If it was the cell phone use, I think I deserve an exemption from condemnation because, after all, I was on my way to the dentist. Maybe I wouldn't have been able to talk again when I came out. One little slip of the drill and, oops. Or I could have choked on one of the forty appliances they had crammed into my mouth just before asking me how I was doing.
Either way, I feel completely justified in continuing to judge others if they use a cell phone while driving. Unless, of course, I learn that they were on their way to the dentist.
Canada In Secret Talks To Trade Quebec For Florida
History does not record the existence of a single Canadian who has not wished his nation had a bit of tropical diversity.
As chilliness North of Niagara would have it, Ottawa has had an ongoing freeze-on, freeze-off relationship with the relatively trendy Province of Quebec, that charming faux-French survival of the Sun King’s proud misjudgments about the importance of the new world.
Now, Canadian legislators have given voice to the sunny idea, Let’s see if we can swap the independent-minded province for Florida.
The offer comes at a particularly opportune time, as a result of the unusually severe hurricanes that have been selecting the Sunshine State as a favorite destination.
The Bush administration has agreed to consider the proposal but admits that there are certain difficulties. For instance, the President will have to explain to his brother and closet presidential wannabe, Jeb, that he’s now a Canadian and can no longer run for President.
To make the loss of their palm-treed haven more palatable to Americans, the Canadians have volunteered to teach everybody in Florida how to speak French. Once, they reason, Florida is enlivened with the sounds of bon jour and merci beaucoup, the switch will seem as uneventful as just swapping one champagne and brie festooned place for another.
As chilliness North of Niagara would have it, Ottawa has had an ongoing freeze-on, freeze-off relationship with the relatively trendy Province of Quebec, that charming faux-French survival of the Sun King’s proud misjudgments about the importance of the new world.
Now, Canadian legislators have given voice to the sunny idea, Let’s see if we can swap the independent-minded province for Florida.
The offer comes at a particularly opportune time, as a result of the unusually severe hurricanes that have been selecting the Sunshine State as a favorite destination.
The Bush administration has agreed to consider the proposal but admits that there are certain difficulties. For instance, the President will have to explain to his brother and closet presidential wannabe, Jeb, that he’s now a Canadian and can no longer run for President.
To make the loss of their palm-treed haven more palatable to Americans, the Canadians have volunteered to teach everybody in Florida how to speak French. Once, they reason, Florida is enlivened with the sounds of bon jour and merci beaucoup, the switch will seem as uneventful as just swapping one champagne and brie festooned place for another.
sábado, 13 de noviembre de 2010
Book Of Judas Finds Publisher; Record Wait Took 1700 Years
The Book of Judas, penned by the much maligned apostle himself, has finally found a publisher, at the end of a long search that ended at The National Geographic Society.
No, it’s not Random House or Knopf. But, hey, after a 1700-year wait, any publisher is bound to come as good news.
Now, Judas can at long last be assured that the world will know his side of the story, in which he portrays himself, as author’s are prone to do, in a much more favorable light than tradition has placed him. According to the author, while he was the apostle who betrayed Jesus, he was actually Christ’s favorite apostle and was chosen by Jesus to do the reprehensible deed, so Jesus could fulfill what he considered to be his destiny.
So, as if we didn’t have enough reconsider, now we have to reevaluate our estimate of Judas. Was he really just being Christ’s obedient assistant?
We must sympathize with the most devout adherents to the New Testament. What are they to make of Judas’s revised version of the betrayal?
We assume there will be no shortage of debate.
Nor can we, even if we wish, refuse to acknowledge that a certain reluctance to accept the new author’s version will be due to the unfortunate timing of the publication, since the hopes of the world are presently encumbered by the recent parade of people in the Middle East who seem to think that their destiny requires them to seek their own deaths.
No doubt the author would have preferred a more auspicious time for his book to appear, ideally, of course, way back when it might still have at least have had some chance of getting into The Bible.
No, it’s not Random House or Knopf. But, hey, after a 1700-year wait, any publisher is bound to come as good news.
Now, Judas can at long last be assured that the world will know his side of the story, in which he portrays himself, as author’s are prone to do, in a much more favorable light than tradition has placed him. According to the author, while he was the apostle who betrayed Jesus, he was actually Christ’s favorite apostle and was chosen by Jesus to do the reprehensible deed, so Jesus could fulfill what he considered to be his destiny.
So, as if we didn’t have enough reconsider, now we have to reevaluate our estimate of Judas. Was he really just being Christ’s obedient assistant?
We must sympathize with the most devout adherents to the New Testament. What are they to make of Judas’s revised version of the betrayal?
We assume there will be no shortage of debate.
Nor can we, even if we wish, refuse to acknowledge that a certain reluctance to accept the new author’s version will be due to the unfortunate timing of the publication, since the hopes of the world are presently encumbered by the recent parade of people in the Middle East who seem to think that their destiny requires them to seek their own deaths.
No doubt the author would have preferred a more auspicious time for his book to appear, ideally, of course, way back when it might still have at least have had some chance of getting into The Bible.
Black Humor, College Humor, Blond Jokes, funny pictures
I have had over the years (48 of them) a lot of time to review and participate in many different styles of humor and have studied their various effects on the human psyche. I will convey many of my observations, thoughts and ramblings where humor is involved. Over the next few months I will write on the following topics Cold Humor, Fat Humor, Bad Humor, Tasteless Humor and others.
Black Humor: This is the type of stuff that doesn’t quite make the Darwin’s but leaves the participant alive. In my findings, if it doesn’t kill you, it’s funny. Let me elaborate; as you have no doubt seen some of the horrendous accidents portrayed in the evening news, each of which I think to myself what were they thinking about. It’s clear to me that they aren’t thinking about what they are doing. Let me tell you of one such case I heard several years ago. Several guys were sitting around on the back porch, drinking beer as sometimes guys will do. They were also shooting 22’s at anything that moved. They had been doing so for some time as the local wildlife lay strewn about the place along with the empty beer cans when one of the drunken participants spotted a skunk. Now if you know anything about skunks you know that they are not the perfect prey; they shoot back and although a direct hit by the skunk will not kill, it does take awhile to explain to your significant other the events of your day. I digress; back to the story. The skunk avoided the first 100 to 200 rounds fired by the drunken lot and eventually found haven within a culvert placed in the ground at some angle enabling the skunk to travel back and down in the ground out of the reach of the drunken group. One of the drunkards decided to get the skunk to voluntarily leave his haven by smoking him out. So the drunkards start stuffing the culvert with dried grass and newspaper and lit it afire. The skunk however did not relinquish his hiding space, he stayed in the culvert. The drunkards then thought that because of the angle of the culvert that the smoke had likely not reached the skunk so they decided to make another attempt by pouring gasoline into the culvert. They gathered up the 5 gallon gas can and poured the entire contents into the culvert. Having the gas poured in they attempted to ignite the gas by throwing lit matches into the culvert after the gasoline. The lit matches would burn out before igniting the gas and so one of the drunkards, specifically the one that this black humor is written about, decided the best method of igniting the gasoline would be to climb into the culvert prior to igniting the match, so down he goes. At last he gets the gasoline ignited and what happens next is a thing of beauty. I will paraphrase the newswoman’s interview with witnesses. “He came out of that culvert like he was shot from a cannon, with his hair on fire, leaving a smoke trail that went from the culvert, over the back porch the drunkards had been enjoying all afternoon into the front yard where he lay, clothing smoldering, hair gone and burnt to second and third degree burns about his face and upper torso.” Now that’s funny!
If you would like to see other funny things I have accumulated over those 48 years go to my website and check them out http://www.TheDailyQuip.com/ and please have a humorous day, it’s the only way your going to make it out sane…
Black Humor: This is the type of stuff that doesn’t quite make the Darwin’s but leaves the participant alive. In my findings, if it doesn’t kill you, it’s funny. Let me elaborate; as you have no doubt seen some of the horrendous accidents portrayed in the evening news, each of which I think to myself what were they thinking about. It’s clear to me that they aren’t thinking about what they are doing. Let me tell you of one such case I heard several years ago. Several guys were sitting around on the back porch, drinking beer as sometimes guys will do. They were also shooting 22’s at anything that moved. They had been doing so for some time as the local wildlife lay strewn about the place along with the empty beer cans when one of the drunken participants spotted a skunk. Now if you know anything about skunks you know that they are not the perfect prey; they shoot back and although a direct hit by the skunk will not kill, it does take awhile to explain to your significant other the events of your day. I digress; back to the story. The skunk avoided the first 100 to 200 rounds fired by the drunken lot and eventually found haven within a culvert placed in the ground at some angle enabling the skunk to travel back and down in the ground out of the reach of the drunken group. One of the drunkards decided to get the skunk to voluntarily leave his haven by smoking him out. So the drunkards start stuffing the culvert with dried grass and newspaper and lit it afire. The skunk however did not relinquish his hiding space, he stayed in the culvert. The drunkards then thought that because of the angle of the culvert that the smoke had likely not reached the skunk so they decided to make another attempt by pouring gasoline into the culvert. They gathered up the 5 gallon gas can and poured the entire contents into the culvert. Having the gas poured in they attempted to ignite the gas by throwing lit matches into the culvert after the gasoline. The lit matches would burn out before igniting the gas and so one of the drunkards, specifically the one that this black humor is written about, decided the best method of igniting the gasoline would be to climb into the culvert prior to igniting the match, so down he goes. At last he gets the gasoline ignited and what happens next is a thing of beauty. I will paraphrase the newswoman’s interview with witnesses. “He came out of that culvert like he was shot from a cannon, with his hair on fire, leaving a smoke trail that went from the culvert, over the back porch the drunkards had been enjoying all afternoon into the front yard where he lay, clothing smoldering, hair gone and burnt to second and third degree burns about his face and upper torso.” Now that’s funny!
If you would like to see other funny things I have accumulated over those 48 years go to my website and check them out http://www.TheDailyQuip.com/ and please have a humorous day, it’s the only way your going to make it out sane…
Birds of a Feather
Birds of a Feather
1. Which is not a group term for birds?
A. Flock
B. Flight
C. Volery
D. Swarm
D. Swarm
TBD: Various insects can collectively be called a swarm but not birds!
2. Which of these is a fear of birds?
A. Alektorophobia
B. Astraphobia
C. Ornithophobia
D. Ouranophobia
C. Ornithophobia
TBD: Although alektorophobia was close, that is a fear of chickens! Astraphobia is the fear of lightning and Ouranophobia is the fear of heaven!
3. Which bird is NOT a bird of prey?
A. Falcon
B. Francolin
C. Hobby
D. Kestrel
B. Francolin
TBD: Any of various Eurasian or African birds of the genus Francolinus, related to and resembling the quails and partridges, which are actually the intended victims of birds of prey!
4. What is the collective name for crows?
A. A murder
B. A clutch
C. A clutter
D. A Sleuth
A. A murder
TBD: You can have a clutch of chicks, a clutter of cats, and a sleuth of bears, if anyone was wondering.
5. What is the largest living species of bird?
A. Condor
B. Eagle
C. Ostrich
D. Emu
C. Ostrich
TBD: Did you know they are omnivorous, eating grass, foliage, and any small animals they can chase down?
6. The Trochildae family of birds shares what trait?
A. They are the smallest birds
B. They are flightless birds
C. They are birds of prey
D. They are featherless birds
A. They are the smallest birds
TBD: This family includes the hummingbird.
7. Which is NOT a proper name for a group of ducks?
A. Brace
B. Flock
C. Skein
D. Team
C. Skein
TBD: Actually that was pretty tricky as you can have a skein of geese…
8. How many eyelids do birds have?
A. None
B. One
C. Two
D. Three
D. Three
TBD: They have an upper lid resembling that of humans, a lower lid that closes when a bird sleeps, and a third lid, called a nictitating membrane, that sweeps across the eye sideways, starting from the side near the beak. This lid is a thin, translucent fold of skin that moistens and cleans the eye and protects it from wind and bright light.
9. Seabirds have the longest migration patterns. How long can these trips get?
A. 20,000 miles
B. 10,000 miles
C. 5,000 miles
D. 1,000 miles
A. 20,000 miles
TBD: That's further than many humans travel in their lifetime!
10. Can you guess how many known species of birds there are?
A. 100
B. 1,000
C. 10,000
D. 100,000
C. 10,000
TBD: This includes all modern or recently extinct species.
1. Which is not a group term for birds?
A. Flock
B. Flight
C. Volery
D. Swarm
D. Swarm
TBD: Various insects can collectively be called a swarm but not birds!
2. Which of these is a fear of birds?
A. Alektorophobia
B. Astraphobia
C. Ornithophobia
D. Ouranophobia
C. Ornithophobia
TBD: Although alektorophobia was close, that is a fear of chickens! Astraphobia is the fear of lightning and Ouranophobia is the fear of heaven!
3. Which bird is NOT a bird of prey?
A. Falcon
B. Francolin
C. Hobby
D. Kestrel
B. Francolin
TBD: Any of various Eurasian or African birds of the genus Francolinus, related to and resembling the quails and partridges, which are actually the intended victims of birds of prey!
4. What is the collective name for crows?
A. A murder
B. A clutch
C. A clutter
D. A Sleuth
A. A murder
TBD: You can have a clutch of chicks, a clutter of cats, and a sleuth of bears, if anyone was wondering.
5. What is the largest living species of bird?
A. Condor
B. Eagle
C. Ostrich
D. Emu
C. Ostrich
TBD: Did you know they are omnivorous, eating grass, foliage, and any small animals they can chase down?
6. The Trochildae family of birds shares what trait?
A. They are the smallest birds
B. They are flightless birds
C. They are birds of prey
D. They are featherless birds
A. They are the smallest birds
TBD: This family includes the hummingbird.
7. Which is NOT a proper name for a group of ducks?
A. Brace
B. Flock
C. Skein
D. Team
C. Skein
TBD: Actually that was pretty tricky as you can have a skein of geese…
8. How many eyelids do birds have?
A. None
B. One
C. Two
D. Three
D. Three
TBD: They have an upper lid resembling that of humans, a lower lid that closes when a bird sleeps, and a third lid, called a nictitating membrane, that sweeps across the eye sideways, starting from the side near the beak. This lid is a thin, translucent fold of skin that moistens and cleans the eye and protects it from wind and bright light.
9. Seabirds have the longest migration patterns. How long can these trips get?
A. 20,000 miles
B. 10,000 miles
C. 5,000 miles
D. 1,000 miles
A. 20,000 miles
TBD: That's further than many humans travel in their lifetime!
10. Can you guess how many known species of birds there are?
A. 100
B. 1,000
C. 10,000
D. 100,000
C. 10,000
TBD: This includes all modern or recently extinct species.
Bill Gates to Devote Life To Charity; Make Money And You Can, Too
Bill Gates announced that he will transition out of his day-to-day role at Microsoft by July 2008 in order to spend more time working on the Bill and Melinda Gates Foundation, which focuses on global health and education.
His announcement reminded us of the plethora of graduation speeches that eager students imbibed across the land this spring. As we listened to the meritorious goals heaped on the recent graduates, so they might achieve goals the speaker’s generation has found impossible, we could not help but think, why doesn’t somebody come out and tell the youthful aspirants what the real challenge is?
Like it or not, today’s world, as well as many another age, is conducted by two primary forces: wealth and power, and, other than resort to firearms, power springs from wealth.
So if you want to influence the ways of this outrageously necessitous world, consider the stark truth that all power springs from the opening in a fat wallet. It's called the economic basis of society but, in its current incarnation, in debilitating excess.
When we were recent graduates, we were not aware of such an uncompromising reality and passed up at least two opportunities to make megabucks because we wanted to preserve our mental energy to expend it toward the achievement of our ideals.
Had we been wiser, we would have set aside a few years to stuff our pockets with power and then, like Mr. Gates, have spent the rest of our days placidly pursuing those still-inspiriting ideals.
So we find ourselves, from our own experience, in the unlikely role of advising the most idealistic to enable their altruism by involving themselves, initially, in the activity they undoubtedly are convinced is not the most inviting.
Then, should you be fortunate enough to enable your financial independence, you may, like Mr. Gates, head off into full-time devotion to your undoubtedly meritorious idealisms.
Well, the speech probably would not have been one that would have inspired the administration to invite us back or that the students would have received with endorsement, but the sharp glass on the road through economic necessity is a fact not lightly to be dismissed. Ignore it and you may step on it with painful frequency.
His announcement reminded us of the plethora of graduation speeches that eager students imbibed across the land this spring. As we listened to the meritorious goals heaped on the recent graduates, so they might achieve goals the speaker’s generation has found impossible, we could not help but think, why doesn’t somebody come out and tell the youthful aspirants what the real challenge is?
Like it or not, today’s world, as well as many another age, is conducted by two primary forces: wealth and power, and, other than resort to firearms, power springs from wealth.
So if you want to influence the ways of this outrageously necessitous world, consider the stark truth that all power springs from the opening in a fat wallet. It's called the economic basis of society but, in its current incarnation, in debilitating excess.
When we were recent graduates, we were not aware of such an uncompromising reality and passed up at least two opportunities to make megabucks because we wanted to preserve our mental energy to expend it toward the achievement of our ideals.
Had we been wiser, we would have set aside a few years to stuff our pockets with power and then, like Mr. Gates, have spent the rest of our days placidly pursuing those still-inspiriting ideals.
So we find ourselves, from our own experience, in the unlikely role of advising the most idealistic to enable their altruism by involving themselves, initially, in the activity they undoubtedly are convinced is not the most inviting.
Then, should you be fortunate enough to enable your financial independence, you may, like Mr. Gates, head off into full-time devotion to your undoubtedly meritorious idealisms.
Well, the speech probably would not have been one that would have inspired the administration to invite us back or that the students would have received with endorsement, but the sharp glass on the road through economic necessity is a fact not lightly to be dismissed. Ignore it and you may step on it with painful frequency.
Bill Clinton In Secret Talks With Hillary; Agrees To Run For Vice President
Former President Bill Clinton has been holding secret talks with his wife and wannabe President Hillary and has, the rumor mill informs us, agreed to be her Vice Presidential candidate.
In an exclusive interview, he confided, “Even though I want to help Hillary in every way I can, it wasn't an easy decision. After all, if you remember, I was the President. But, since I’ll be back in the White House, I decided I would rather have more to keep myself busy than just being America’s First Man."
So, as 2008 draws nigh and the inevitable blizzard of questions to her on who she hopes to name as her running mate go discreetly unanswered, just remember you heard it here first that the resourceful husband and wife team plan to make another run for the White House.
Given the current state of America’s feelings about the comeuppances of the Republican tenure, there is actually a very high likelihood that the dedicated duo could once again be frolicking in the realms of Presidential empowerment. Only this time we would, of course, have President Hillary Clinton and Vice President Bill Clinton.
While Democrats cheer, Republicans may double over with wails of dread, while they reach out with hopeful hands for the now-flirtatious Rudy or the ever-coy Jeb.
In an exclusive interview, he confided, “Even though I want to help Hillary in every way I can, it wasn't an easy decision. After all, if you remember, I was the President. But, since I’ll be back in the White House, I decided I would rather have more to keep myself busy than just being America’s First Man."
So, as 2008 draws nigh and the inevitable blizzard of questions to her on who she hopes to name as her running mate go discreetly unanswered, just remember you heard it here first that the resourceful husband and wife team plan to make another run for the White House.
Given the current state of America’s feelings about the comeuppances of the Republican tenure, there is actually a very high likelihood that the dedicated duo could once again be frolicking in the realms of Presidential empowerment. Only this time we would, of course, have President Hillary Clinton and Vice President Bill Clinton.
While Democrats cheer, Republicans may double over with wails of dread, while they reach out with hopeful hands for the now-flirtatious Rudy or the ever-coy Jeb.
Beginners Guide To The Internet
Recent studies have shown that there are now well over one hundred websites available on the computernet. This puts it second only to ceefax as a useful source of information. Monkey Empire has rounded up the best of these sites, ones which enhance the life of real people like you, not the spotty bearded freaks that you picked on at school for being computerboys or nerdnspellgirls, no real people who go out and drink alcoholic sugar liquid in crowded town bars and watch soap operas and need to have their behaviour validated by weekly publications littering the news stands like so much used bog-roll. Well this is a virtual equivalent of those c-list simpering shitfests so let me validate your fucking behaviour, that's right I'll tell you where to go and what to fucking do because it will keep you the fuck away from me so that I can continue my work in peace. And when my work is done holy dong you'll know about it. I'll be the god damn mayor of London. Anyway here are the top 5:
Google Founded in 1923 the Google Corporation originally produced radiator hoses and casino chips before entering the lucrative internet search market in 1997. Google is like a thesaurus, simply type in words and it will give you a list of related words from inside your computer and beyond. People who are good at Google (known as Hardcore Googlists) have even discovered that some of these words open up whole new websites, and sometimes even pictures. Google is now so widespread that none other than Leonard Nimoy was once overheard to say "you can find anything on google you really can, may the force be with you".
eBay eBay shot to fame in 1999 when that chick that is really a witch in Buffy the Vampire Slayer managed to buy a special kettle that contained a genie that would save the world from the online auction site. Whilst you yourself may not be so lucky you will be able to get a bargain on the dvd of that very same episode, or maybe some new brasswork for your front door, or a ninja turtle action figure that you have never forgiven your parents for not buying for you when you were 12 years old. Adventurous types may even wish to try selling items that they no longer have use for. eBay is now so widespread that none other than Leonard Nimoy was once overheard to say "you can find anything on eBay you really can, may the force be with you".
The BBCThe Beeb, good old Auntie, The British Broadcasting Corporation, no longer the stuffy 2 channel black and white tv monolith that doesn't start until midday and finishes with the national anthem at teatime oh no the Beeb has been forced to get with the times and after collecting your money and throwing it in a big pile for approximately 60 years when the internet bubble came bouncing along the BBC was ready. It is now estimated that 87% of all internet sites are part of the BBC, this is in addition to their 167 digital TV channels, 2 radio stations and their Sandwich Toaster fast food chain. You give them money so that a bunch of London-blinkered new media tosspots can tell you what to do and you wouldn't have it any other way. The BBC is now so widespread that none other than Leonard Nimoy was once overheard to say "the BBC puts food on my table, it really does, may the force be with you".
MySpaceThe fact that you've made it this far down a Beginners Guide probably means you think that making a wonderful informative website such as this one is beyond your meagre skills. We don't hold that against you, you probably know more about footy or booking holidays in high street travel agents than us, takes all sorts doesn't it really. Well not any more, MySpace is the great leveller, the democratisation of the internet, now anyone can stick their photo online and surround it with flickering animated hearts floating across a purple background with yellow text talking about how you like to go out, watch telly and listen to music. Or maybe you are part of a subculture and you want your page to feature crunchy guitar music on a black background with pictures of you heavily made up to look like a vampire porn-star. Actually though MySpace is a game, you see other MySpace users can make virtual friends and then their picture appears under the "friends" list on your page. The game is to get your face on as many MySpace pages as possible, the one with the most displayed photos at the end of space and time wins and gets to become a baron of the afterlife. So don't get left behind, get on MySpace, get flirting and ego massaging and exchanging naked pictures with people who's age you can't be sure about or you might regret it for eternity and then some. MySpace is now so widespread that none other than Leonard Nimoy was once overheard to say "I've got 28 friends already I really have, may the force be with you".
Google Founded in 1923 the Google Corporation originally produced radiator hoses and casino chips before entering the lucrative internet search market in 1997. Google is like a thesaurus, simply type in words and it will give you a list of related words from inside your computer and beyond. People who are good at Google (known as Hardcore Googlists) have even discovered that some of these words open up whole new websites, and sometimes even pictures. Google is now so widespread that none other than Leonard Nimoy was once overheard to say "you can find anything on google you really can, may the force be with you".
eBay eBay shot to fame in 1999 when that chick that is really a witch in Buffy the Vampire Slayer managed to buy a special kettle that contained a genie that would save the world from the online auction site. Whilst you yourself may not be so lucky you will be able to get a bargain on the dvd of that very same episode, or maybe some new brasswork for your front door, or a ninja turtle action figure that you have never forgiven your parents for not buying for you when you were 12 years old. Adventurous types may even wish to try selling items that they no longer have use for. eBay is now so widespread that none other than Leonard Nimoy was once overheard to say "you can find anything on eBay you really can, may the force be with you".
The BBCThe Beeb, good old Auntie, The British Broadcasting Corporation, no longer the stuffy 2 channel black and white tv monolith that doesn't start until midday and finishes with the national anthem at teatime oh no the Beeb has been forced to get with the times and after collecting your money and throwing it in a big pile for approximately 60 years when the internet bubble came bouncing along the BBC was ready. It is now estimated that 87% of all internet sites are part of the BBC, this is in addition to their 167 digital TV channels, 2 radio stations and their Sandwich Toaster fast food chain. You give them money so that a bunch of London-blinkered new media tosspots can tell you what to do and you wouldn't have it any other way. The BBC is now so widespread that none other than Leonard Nimoy was once overheard to say "the BBC puts food on my table, it really does, may the force be with you".
MySpaceThe fact that you've made it this far down a Beginners Guide probably means you think that making a wonderful informative website such as this one is beyond your meagre skills. We don't hold that against you, you probably know more about footy or booking holidays in high street travel agents than us, takes all sorts doesn't it really. Well not any more, MySpace is the great leveller, the democratisation of the internet, now anyone can stick their photo online and surround it with flickering animated hearts floating across a purple background with yellow text talking about how you like to go out, watch telly and listen to music. Or maybe you are part of a subculture and you want your page to feature crunchy guitar music on a black background with pictures of you heavily made up to look like a vampire porn-star. Actually though MySpace is a game, you see other MySpace users can make virtual friends and then their picture appears under the "friends" list on your page. The game is to get your face on as many MySpace pages as possible, the one with the most displayed photos at the end of space and time wins and gets to become a baron of the afterlife. So don't get left behind, get on MySpace, get flirting and ego massaging and exchanging naked pictures with people who's age you can't be sure about or you might regret it for eternity and then some. MySpace is now so widespread that none other than Leonard Nimoy was once overheard to say "I've got 28 friends already I really have, may the force be with you".
Bat Ejection Techniques – Country Survival Course #27
People lie! They lie about the bliss of rural relocation. They lie about the size of fish they catch. They lie about being there for you. But, mostly, they lie about bats! Such a silly thing, yet no one can admit the ugly truth. “Bats only come into your house. It never happens to me,” friends say. Liars!
Evidence to the contrary exists. Bat visitations have occurred regularly in all three of my country homes. Each was a different style house, in a different town with different surroundings. No way am I the only person this is happening to! I’ll believe the annual summer bat inundation isn’t a part of normal life when butter is fat free and Smucky’s Electric gets back to me with that wiring estimate they promised just prior to the Mammoth die off.
One of my sisters in particular gets a kick out of telling people I am a witch attracting bats to my home like anorexics migrating to the Cannes Film Festival. She does it to be ornery – a competitive sport in my family. Of course, I could get even by pointing out right here in my very public essay that she is my OLDER sister by a DECADE. However, I am too peaceable and well centered for such adolescent behavior. Besides, you are here to learn another fine country skill – the Bat Ejection Technique (BET).
Lesson 1 – Why BET
Rural dwellers should all master BETs. Realtors will never admit to the Coloptera inundation plaguing the West. Property values would tumble! Amidst all this denial, a seamy cover-up has formed. Copies of Bat Removal for Dummies are burned at country BBQs and members of the Society of the Dead Elk deliver bat traps to farms under cover of darkness.
As my town’s resident City Idiot, I chose to break ranks. If Cidiots are not taught to deal properly with winged rodentia, both will suffer. Bats will be ‘baseballed’ into walls with brooms. If not, Cidiot homes will overflow with wiggling blankets of screeching critters. Folks will be driven back to the burbs in droves. Quite selfishly - I need newbies to stay in the country. Please don’t leave me alone out here! Take notes.
Lesson 2 - History of the BET
For whatever reasons bats enter homes in pairs. My hypothesis is; one holds the dog door open while the other flies through and vise versa. Attempts to document this behavior have been hampered by the presence of innumerable dogs kissing my eyes shut when I stake out the laundry room floor. Nonetheless, like bats to Noah’s ark, they arrive by twos.
Throughout history Novice Bat Ejectors dispelled unwanted intruders with the pacifistic Zero Interference Technique (ZIT). For a true ZIT open all windows and doors and cower on the floor waiting for the bats to fly back out. I researched the effectiveness of this method at my first country home. There are three problems with this technique:
Bats never leave as easily as they enter. A person could learn Arabic before the ZIT clears matters up.
Heat leaves houses quite quickly resulting in cold ZITs.
Bats tend to turn up in the middle of the night. Sleep deprivation is a direct side effect of ZITs.
Lesson 3 – Modernization
Athletic newbies frequently combine the open window/door approach of a ZIT with a more proactive approach. They jump around with a blanket in an attempt to herd bats outside. This is the Comforter Herding Ejection Technique (CHET). A good CHET take two people. Even then CHETs are hard.
Bats do not know they shouldn’t fly around the blanket.
The technique is rendered totally ineffective when your husband, who is suppose to hold the opposite side of the blanket, does a “stop, drop and roll” every time he spots a bat from thirty yards away.
At night neighbors can see you, but not the bat. So there you are running amuck in your PJs. The doors and windows are wide open as you spiraling over furniture with your flag-like fabric in tow. Meanwhile your underwear-clad man is having what is apparently some version of repeating epileptic seizures. And you, you cold-hearted bitch, you just keep on dancing.
Lesson 4 – BET Evolution
Bat invasion number three of year number two was a turning point for me. For some bizarre reason I was washing the morning dishes. We must have been out of coffee. Obviously I was not quick-witted enough to get out of dish duty. Suddenly, I heard the high-pitched chatter of a bat straight over my head.
The space over my cabinets is where all my gigantic jelly-making kettles are poised. Grabbing the step stool, I hovered near and listened. Something was in my stoneware – dark, like a cave, the crafty little bugger. Please, don’t let it get airborne. I have to go to town this morning, I thought. There was no time for the traditional CHET dance.
My cerebral light bulb clicked on. Hey, It’s easier to catch bats when they aren’t moving. A Nobel Prize for would be mine. Apparently washing dishes has some net value after all. I slid a plate over the stoneware rim and took my captive out side.
Plate removed, an upside-down shake and plop. The bat was on the ground. I watched for a moment making sure my son’s devil cat did not turn up. Finally, the bat orientated itself and flew off with chatter. Dam, I’m good, I mused. Then I turned and took two steps towards the door. Gasp! Leap! Curse!
Something bad hit my bare foot. Reflexes took over. I went for a field goal. Another bat had been in the jar. Curse! Hebbie Jebies! Will I never learn? Twos, always twos! Scratches, tiny claws on my foot - it was all to early. First dishes, then this.
The traumatized bat landed several feet away. It took a good five minutes before the winged menace recovered enough to fly off. Headed for town, I left a note for my son. “Finish the dishes.”
Lesson 5 – BET Mastery
I learned two things that morning. First, generic dish soap sucks. Second, a motionless bat is the best bat to catch. Chasing them in flight is a fool’s game. In retrospect Samuel, my Great Pyrenees, had attempted to point this out earlier that spring.
Hearing one of the midnight riots, I ordered all my dogs out. There was no need to look for the cause. I knew by then what the combination of barking and a synchronized chase meant at 1 a.m. Ho hum, more bats in the house. The other dogs complied. Sam however stood there looking sleepy, stubborn, sad and guilty.
Anyone who owns a Pyrenees knows this is their natural state. Just as I demanded, “Samuel, go!” I spotted the diminutive little wing sticking out from under his massive front paw. Here Mom, a motionless bat is the best bat to catch. He is a genius!
BET Summary
Grab a teacup or the aquarium net and a saucer
Wait for a landing
Cup/net over the Bat
Saucer or magazine carefully slid under
Out the door it goes
Hee Haw! With practice you’ll be back in bed before the underwear-clad epileptic knows your gone. You can BET on it.
Evidence to the contrary exists. Bat visitations have occurred regularly in all three of my country homes. Each was a different style house, in a different town with different surroundings. No way am I the only person this is happening to! I’ll believe the annual summer bat inundation isn’t a part of normal life when butter is fat free and Smucky’s Electric gets back to me with that wiring estimate they promised just prior to the Mammoth die off.
One of my sisters in particular gets a kick out of telling people I am a witch attracting bats to my home like anorexics migrating to the Cannes Film Festival. She does it to be ornery – a competitive sport in my family. Of course, I could get even by pointing out right here in my very public essay that she is my OLDER sister by a DECADE. However, I am too peaceable and well centered for such adolescent behavior. Besides, you are here to learn another fine country skill – the Bat Ejection Technique (BET).
Lesson 1 – Why BET
Rural dwellers should all master BETs. Realtors will never admit to the Coloptera inundation plaguing the West. Property values would tumble! Amidst all this denial, a seamy cover-up has formed. Copies of Bat Removal for Dummies are burned at country BBQs and members of the Society of the Dead Elk deliver bat traps to farms under cover of darkness.
As my town’s resident City Idiot, I chose to break ranks. If Cidiots are not taught to deal properly with winged rodentia, both will suffer. Bats will be ‘baseballed’ into walls with brooms. If not, Cidiot homes will overflow with wiggling blankets of screeching critters. Folks will be driven back to the burbs in droves. Quite selfishly - I need newbies to stay in the country. Please don’t leave me alone out here! Take notes.
Lesson 2 - History of the BET
For whatever reasons bats enter homes in pairs. My hypothesis is; one holds the dog door open while the other flies through and vise versa. Attempts to document this behavior have been hampered by the presence of innumerable dogs kissing my eyes shut when I stake out the laundry room floor. Nonetheless, like bats to Noah’s ark, they arrive by twos.
Throughout history Novice Bat Ejectors dispelled unwanted intruders with the pacifistic Zero Interference Technique (ZIT). For a true ZIT open all windows and doors and cower on the floor waiting for the bats to fly back out. I researched the effectiveness of this method at my first country home. There are three problems with this technique:
Bats never leave as easily as they enter. A person could learn Arabic before the ZIT clears matters up.
Heat leaves houses quite quickly resulting in cold ZITs.
Bats tend to turn up in the middle of the night. Sleep deprivation is a direct side effect of ZITs.
Lesson 3 – Modernization
Athletic newbies frequently combine the open window/door approach of a ZIT with a more proactive approach. They jump around with a blanket in an attempt to herd bats outside. This is the Comforter Herding Ejection Technique (CHET). A good CHET take two people. Even then CHETs are hard.
Bats do not know they shouldn’t fly around the blanket.
The technique is rendered totally ineffective when your husband, who is suppose to hold the opposite side of the blanket, does a “stop, drop and roll” every time he spots a bat from thirty yards away.
At night neighbors can see you, but not the bat. So there you are running amuck in your PJs. The doors and windows are wide open as you spiraling over furniture with your flag-like fabric in tow. Meanwhile your underwear-clad man is having what is apparently some version of repeating epileptic seizures. And you, you cold-hearted bitch, you just keep on dancing.
Lesson 4 – BET Evolution
Bat invasion number three of year number two was a turning point for me. For some bizarre reason I was washing the morning dishes. We must have been out of coffee. Obviously I was not quick-witted enough to get out of dish duty. Suddenly, I heard the high-pitched chatter of a bat straight over my head.
The space over my cabinets is where all my gigantic jelly-making kettles are poised. Grabbing the step stool, I hovered near and listened. Something was in my stoneware – dark, like a cave, the crafty little bugger. Please, don’t let it get airborne. I have to go to town this morning, I thought. There was no time for the traditional CHET dance.
My cerebral light bulb clicked on. Hey, It’s easier to catch bats when they aren’t moving. A Nobel Prize for would be mine. Apparently washing dishes has some net value after all. I slid a plate over the stoneware rim and took my captive out side.
Plate removed, an upside-down shake and plop. The bat was on the ground. I watched for a moment making sure my son’s devil cat did not turn up. Finally, the bat orientated itself and flew off with chatter. Dam, I’m good, I mused. Then I turned and took two steps towards the door. Gasp! Leap! Curse!
Something bad hit my bare foot. Reflexes took over. I went for a field goal. Another bat had been in the jar. Curse! Hebbie Jebies! Will I never learn? Twos, always twos! Scratches, tiny claws on my foot - it was all to early. First dishes, then this.
The traumatized bat landed several feet away. It took a good five minutes before the winged menace recovered enough to fly off. Headed for town, I left a note for my son. “Finish the dishes.”
Lesson 5 – BET Mastery
I learned two things that morning. First, generic dish soap sucks. Second, a motionless bat is the best bat to catch. Chasing them in flight is a fool’s game. In retrospect Samuel, my Great Pyrenees, had attempted to point this out earlier that spring.
Hearing one of the midnight riots, I ordered all my dogs out. There was no need to look for the cause. I knew by then what the combination of barking and a synchronized chase meant at 1 a.m. Ho hum, more bats in the house. The other dogs complied. Sam however stood there looking sleepy, stubborn, sad and guilty.
Anyone who owns a Pyrenees knows this is their natural state. Just as I demanded, “Samuel, go!” I spotted the diminutive little wing sticking out from under his massive front paw. Here Mom, a motionless bat is the best bat to catch. He is a genius!
BET Summary
Grab a teacup or the aquarium net and a saucer
Wait for a landing
Cup/net over the Bat
Saucer or magazine carefully slid under
Out the door it goes
Hee Haw! With practice you’ll be back in bed before the underwear-clad epileptic knows your gone. You can BET on it.
viernes, 12 de noviembre de 2010
Basketball For Short People: Basket To Be Lowered
Since the 1950s, when short but fast players had a chance of making it onto a professional court – such as the legendary Bob Cousy of the Boston Celtics, known for startling innovations like dribbling and passing behind the back – the sport has been dominated by ever taller athletes, starting with the arrival of Wilt, The Stilt, Chamberlain.
Now, The National Basketball Association has come to realize that the trend to tall has demoralized people of who fall within the usual range of human height and that it has positively devastated short people.
Compared to the slam-dunking ways of the seven footers, these distressed athletes just can’t get people interested in watching them hoop it up. As a result, interest in the game as a participation sport has waned, and the association is concerned that, as fewer people work up their excitement about playing it, fewer of them will pay to see it.
In an effort to return basketball to the widely poplar place it held in the minds and hearts of the American public before it became the exclusive province of players whose mothers are suspected of stretching them as infants, the association is considering legitimizing a court just for people of average height, with a special accommodation for shorter people. The basic plan calls for the basket to be lowered by one foot for players from 5’ 6” to 6’ 6” and two feet for people who are even shorter but still imagine slam-dunking the ball and hanging from the hoop in a celebratory manner.
When the new rules go into effect, virtually everyone will finally be able to play the game in as dramatic a fashion as today’s seven footers.
For now the plan calls for limiting the innovation to amateur players, but the association confides that if fans once again take an interest in watching average-size people play the game, there is the potential to establish an entire new league, made up of speed merchants who are only eye-high to a current pro’s elbows.
Now, The National Basketball Association has come to realize that the trend to tall has demoralized people of who fall within the usual range of human height and that it has positively devastated short people.
Compared to the slam-dunking ways of the seven footers, these distressed athletes just can’t get people interested in watching them hoop it up. As a result, interest in the game as a participation sport has waned, and the association is concerned that, as fewer people work up their excitement about playing it, fewer of them will pay to see it.
In an effort to return basketball to the widely poplar place it held in the minds and hearts of the American public before it became the exclusive province of players whose mothers are suspected of stretching them as infants, the association is considering legitimizing a court just for people of average height, with a special accommodation for shorter people. The basic plan calls for the basket to be lowered by one foot for players from 5’ 6” to 6’ 6” and two feet for people who are even shorter but still imagine slam-dunking the ball and hanging from the hoop in a celebratory manner.
When the new rules go into effect, virtually everyone will finally be able to play the game in as dramatic a fashion as today’s seven footers.
For now the plan calls for limiting the innovation to amateur players, but the association confides that if fans once again take an interest in watching average-size people play the game, there is the potential to establish an entire new league, made up of speed merchants who are only eye-high to a current pro’s elbows.
Baby Boomers Moderate Exercise; Notice Scarcity of Seniors In Marathons
Baby boomers, who exercise more than any generation before them, have been flocking to orthopedic surgeons to tend to their aching tendons and joints.
As news of the growing need for surgical intervention spread, a number of boomers have found the willpower to moderate the intensity of their workout routines.
Personal experience has also confirmed the wisdom of moderation. For example, one inveterate marathoner was shocked by the surprising perception that there were not a lot of senior citizens dashing across the finish line in the New York Marathon.
He began to wonder if at a certain age less strenuous activity might actually be, not only the better part of healthcare, but all that’s generally possible. He also began to ask himself if seniors who persisted in intense physical challenges like the marathon were absent at or near the finish line because they literally dropped by the wayside. He dismissed that possibility, because it really brought into question his hope for up-to-the-last-minute youth.
He shared the possible advisability of moderation with a fellow boomer, who happened to be his girlfriend. She agreed to take it into consideration but required proof of the astonishing comeuppance. So, while working out at her gym, she looked around and noticed, to her amazement, that there were not a lot of seniors sweating along with her, especially on the running track and in the weight room.
Most unsettling of all, she noticed that a confounded lot of the runners looked younger than she did.
She dared to break the stunning revelation to a friend, who told her boyfriend. Since hot news has a way of making it through the boomer vine, soon the bewildered generation was abuzz with the invitation to moderation.
Being serious about their health, many have researched the bone-crushing consequences of persistent over-exercise and have discovered that that they really should take it a little easy on themselves, especially since many of them are flirting with age 60. It seems that if they can persuade themselves of the wisdom at least some moderation they will go a long way toward preserving their knees, ankles, and assorted joints, tendons, and muscles. They could also save on visits to the surgeon.
As expected, however, hard-line boomers are adopting an over-exercise-until-you-drop attitude.
As one recalcitrant member of the group said, “Hey, it’s like exercising came with the genes. I can’t change my routine anymore than I can change my feet, which wake up every morning, ready to run for miles.”
This group is so determined they plan to exercise excessively, even if it means hobbling into old age due to self-inflicted hobbling. As another member of the over-exercise or you’re over-the-hill group stated, ”Look, if I’m going to need a knee replacement or two, I might as well be one of the first in my generation to get one.”
As news of the growing need for surgical intervention spread, a number of boomers have found the willpower to moderate the intensity of their workout routines.
Personal experience has also confirmed the wisdom of moderation. For example, one inveterate marathoner was shocked by the surprising perception that there were not a lot of senior citizens dashing across the finish line in the New York Marathon.
He began to wonder if at a certain age less strenuous activity might actually be, not only the better part of healthcare, but all that’s generally possible. He also began to ask himself if seniors who persisted in intense physical challenges like the marathon were absent at or near the finish line because they literally dropped by the wayside. He dismissed that possibility, because it really brought into question his hope for up-to-the-last-minute youth.
He shared the possible advisability of moderation with a fellow boomer, who happened to be his girlfriend. She agreed to take it into consideration but required proof of the astonishing comeuppance. So, while working out at her gym, she looked around and noticed, to her amazement, that there were not a lot of seniors sweating along with her, especially on the running track and in the weight room.
Most unsettling of all, she noticed that a confounded lot of the runners looked younger than she did.
She dared to break the stunning revelation to a friend, who told her boyfriend. Since hot news has a way of making it through the boomer vine, soon the bewildered generation was abuzz with the invitation to moderation.
Being serious about their health, many have researched the bone-crushing consequences of persistent over-exercise and have discovered that that they really should take it a little easy on themselves, especially since many of them are flirting with age 60. It seems that if they can persuade themselves of the wisdom at least some moderation they will go a long way toward preserving their knees, ankles, and assorted joints, tendons, and muscles. They could also save on visits to the surgeon.
As expected, however, hard-line boomers are adopting an over-exercise-until-you-drop attitude.
As one recalcitrant member of the group said, “Hey, it’s like exercising came with the genes. I can’t change my routine anymore than I can change my feet, which wake up every morning, ready to run for miles.”
This group is so determined they plan to exercise excessively, even if it means hobbling into old age due to self-inflicted hobbling. As another member of the over-exercise or you’re over-the-hill group stated, ”Look, if I’m going to need a knee replacement or two, I might as well be one of the first in my generation to get one.”
Avant Garde Composer Creates New Piece, Called Making Popcorn
An American avant garde composer, who takes his inspiration from the most upstart composers of recent times, had a piece performed last night at Carnegie Hall, titled “Making Popcorn.”
The Boston Pops Orchestra, which commissioned the piece, left the stage to make way for the performance.
Stagehands then wheeled out a popcorn-making machine and prepared it for the performance by filling it with dry corn, butter, and salt.
When the machine was “tuned,” the composer entered to conduct his own work. Taking the podium, he raised his baton and the machine was switched on. When the first kernel popped, he gave a firm downbeat and then continued to conduct as the kernels popped away. The piece concluded when all the popcorn had contributed its sound.
In an interview prior to the concert, the composer told us, “It’s a new piece for percussion. As you know, there have been more additions to the percussion of the orchestra than to any other one. Take, for instance, the brake drum and the ratchet, which is really just a noisemaker. My hope is that the success of my new piece will make the popcorn machine a standard ingredient of the symphony orchestra.”
“Would you consider it to be a tuned or an untuned percussion instrument,” we asked, indulging the wayward simpleton.
“I’m not sure yet,” he told us. “While the individual pops do have different pitches, they’re impossible to control.”
After savoring the performance, this observer began to long for the once-scandalous composition by John Cage, called 4'33", in which, as you probably know, a pianist enters, sits down at the piano for four minutes and thirty-three seconds,, and does absolutely nothing. Then he gets up and exits.
Who would have though a concert would come when one reconsidered Cage's work an instance of generous reticence?
The Boston Pops Orchestra, which commissioned the piece, left the stage to make way for the performance.
Stagehands then wheeled out a popcorn-making machine and prepared it for the performance by filling it with dry corn, butter, and salt.
When the machine was “tuned,” the composer entered to conduct his own work. Taking the podium, he raised his baton and the machine was switched on. When the first kernel popped, he gave a firm downbeat and then continued to conduct as the kernels popped away. The piece concluded when all the popcorn had contributed its sound.
In an interview prior to the concert, the composer told us, “It’s a new piece for percussion. As you know, there have been more additions to the percussion of the orchestra than to any other one. Take, for instance, the brake drum and the ratchet, which is really just a noisemaker. My hope is that the success of my new piece will make the popcorn machine a standard ingredient of the symphony orchestra.”
“Would you consider it to be a tuned or an untuned percussion instrument,” we asked, indulging the wayward simpleton.
“I’m not sure yet,” he told us. “While the individual pops do have different pitches, they’re impossible to control.”
After savoring the performance, this observer began to long for the once-scandalous composition by John Cage, called 4'33", in which, as you probably know, a pianist enters, sits down at the piano for four minutes and thirty-three seconds,, and does absolutely nothing. Then he gets up and exits.
Who would have though a concert would come when one reconsidered Cage's work an instance of generous reticence?
Audit Report on Katrina Debit Cards; Some Recipients Swam In Champagne
A federal audit on the spending proclivities of people who were issued debit cards by FEMA during the Katrina disaster indicates that some of them were swimming in champagne – and good stuff, too.
Among the survival rations that were purchased, we find a $200 bottle of champagne, used as a life-saving device at the hurricane shelter known as Hooters. The establishment, upon hearing of the purchase, has nobly agreed to refund the amount to FEMA.
Other items that emergency cards were used to purchase are the following:
A flotation device of questionable effect, called diamond jewelry.
An escape route from the rising waters to a vacation in the Dominican Republic.
Salvation from a divorce lawyer by paying off a $1,000 legal bill.
Drying out at a strip club, where the recuperative process required $600.
Recuperation with $400 of “adult erotica products.”
The auditors concluded that such purchases were "not necessary to satisfy legitimate disaster needs."
Greg Kutz, a GAO forensic auditor, said one "fraudster" way up in West Virginia received a rental assistance check by using the address of a cemetery in New Orleans.
Another application, employing a vacant lot as an address, found favor in FEMA for a payment of $2,358 in rental assistance.
The relief organization also paid $8,000 and then $5,000 more, in a double-dip into rental assistance, to help a long-suffering recipient survive at a resort hotel in Honolulu.
The GAO also found that FEMA lost track of 750 debit cards, worth a total of $1.5 million.
As a result of the debit-card debacle, FEMA itself has been scheduled to receive federal disaster relief.
Among the survival rations that were purchased, we find a $200 bottle of champagne, used as a life-saving device at the hurricane shelter known as Hooters. The establishment, upon hearing of the purchase, has nobly agreed to refund the amount to FEMA.
Other items that emergency cards were used to purchase are the following:
A flotation device of questionable effect, called diamond jewelry.
An escape route from the rising waters to a vacation in the Dominican Republic.
Salvation from a divorce lawyer by paying off a $1,000 legal bill.
Drying out at a strip club, where the recuperative process required $600.
Recuperation with $400 of “adult erotica products.”
The auditors concluded that such purchases were "not necessary to satisfy legitimate disaster needs."
Greg Kutz, a GAO forensic auditor, said one "fraudster" way up in West Virginia received a rental assistance check by using the address of a cemetery in New Orleans.
Another application, employing a vacant lot as an address, found favor in FEMA for a payment of $2,358 in rental assistance.
The relief organization also paid $8,000 and then $5,000 more, in a double-dip into rental assistance, to help a long-suffering recipient survive at a resort hotel in Honolulu.
The GAO also found that FEMA lost track of 750 debit cards, worth a total of $1.5 million.
As a result of the debit-card debacle, FEMA itself has been scheduled to receive federal disaster relief.
April Fool’s trick
One of the best and funniest April Fool’s tricks was invented and played by me last year. I should say that my friend and me used to make fun of each other regularly on April Fool’s Day with varying success. That is my friend was on his guard and knew he should be ready for my dirty tricks, which made the task almost impossible to carry out.
Last year not long before April Fool’s Day Andrey returned from Canada, where he’d been on a business trip (both of us work as translators of English for one company but on different floors). On April 1st I called Andrey, having arranged beforehand that the telephone girl should interrupt our conversation in a couple of minutes and say that Mr. Andrey Polyarov has a call from Canada. After that she put him through with another telephone in our room, and I quickly answered it. I should say that to change my voice and create the effect of “long-distance call” I wrapped the blower with a sweater and made use of loud speaker instead of receiver. A lot of people were standing still around me, excited that Andrey might recognize my voice. But their fears were groundless – he had no smallest piece of suspicion!
I started speaking in English, my voice being loud and very formal:
--Is this Mr. Andrey Polyarov?
Andrey, a little anxious, replies:
--Yes, this is me? Who am I talking to?
--This is “Otrinto” company, where on March 11th you ordered two commercial vending machines of a total value of 3,141 Canadian dollars…
-But I haven’t ordered any vending machines…
-Excuse me, is this Mr. Polyarov?
-Yes, this is me, but I haven’t ordered any vending machines, and I’m not going to pay anything. – Andrey was starting to lose his patience. I went on insisting…
-I’m sorry but I have an order with your signature. By the way I remember you pretty well – you’re a Russian, stout, baldish, speaking with accent, right?
-Right! But I repeat that I haven’t ordered these fucken vending machines…
-Sir, I should warn you that in case on non-payment within a reasonable time we’ll have to bring a legal action!
Andrey finally lost his temper, started yelling that he never knew any “Otrinto” company, never ordered anything and that I could stick my vending machines up my ass…
The audience in our room couldn’t suppress a laugh, every word from underneath the sweater resulted in a burst of Homeric laughter. I was chuckling myself and couldn’t speak and play my role anymore. I tried to clear the air.
-Andrey, this is me, Denis, April Fool! – but it was vain. Andrey was shouting that he knew no Denis. He wasn’t even realizing that I was speaking Russian to him…
Of course I could go on further, providing Andrey with the details of his appearance, passport number, address… That’s what I had planned actually, but as I say it was absolutely impossible as my last words weren’t pronounced but were gurgling through the choking laughter.
Last year not long before April Fool’s Day Andrey returned from Canada, where he’d been on a business trip (both of us work as translators of English for one company but on different floors). On April 1st I called Andrey, having arranged beforehand that the telephone girl should interrupt our conversation in a couple of minutes and say that Mr. Andrey Polyarov has a call from Canada. After that she put him through with another telephone in our room, and I quickly answered it. I should say that to change my voice and create the effect of “long-distance call” I wrapped the blower with a sweater and made use of loud speaker instead of receiver. A lot of people were standing still around me, excited that Andrey might recognize my voice. But their fears were groundless – he had no smallest piece of suspicion!
I started speaking in English, my voice being loud and very formal:
--Is this Mr. Andrey Polyarov?
Andrey, a little anxious, replies:
--Yes, this is me? Who am I talking to?
--This is “Otrinto” company, where on March 11th you ordered two commercial vending machines of a total value of 3,141 Canadian dollars…
-But I haven’t ordered any vending machines…
-Excuse me, is this Mr. Polyarov?
-Yes, this is me, but I haven’t ordered any vending machines, and I’m not going to pay anything. – Andrey was starting to lose his patience. I went on insisting…
-I’m sorry but I have an order with your signature. By the way I remember you pretty well – you’re a Russian, stout, baldish, speaking with accent, right?
-Right! But I repeat that I haven’t ordered these fucken vending machines…
-Sir, I should warn you that in case on non-payment within a reasonable time we’ll have to bring a legal action!
Andrey finally lost his temper, started yelling that he never knew any “Otrinto” company, never ordered anything and that I could stick my vending machines up my ass…
The audience in our room couldn’t suppress a laugh, every word from underneath the sweater resulted in a burst of Homeric laughter. I was chuckling myself and couldn’t speak and play my role anymore. I tried to clear the air.
-Andrey, this is me, Denis, April Fool! – but it was vain. Andrey was shouting that he knew no Denis. He wasn’t even realizing that I was speaking Russian to him…
Of course I could go on further, providing Andrey with the details of his appearance, passport number, address… That’s what I had planned actually, but as I say it was absolutely impossible as my last words weren’t pronounced but were gurgling through the choking laughter.
Another Dracula, Another Flop
This week Warner Brothers joined the Walt Disney company in attempting to transform Broadway from a venue with a whisper of hope for social relevance into one that presents works that are the intellectual equivalent of Mickey Mouse caper.
If Disney could do it with, for example, The Lion King, why couldn’t Warner Brothers find a property to achieve Broadway fame and fortune with? Unfortunately, their imaginations never soared higher than redoing the Dracula legend, based on a contemporary author’s odd novelistic take on it.
In order to hew to Disney’s proven path to moronic megabucks, Warner hired the same songwriting team Disney did for The Lion King, Elton John and his comparatively invisible lyricist Bernie Taupin.
Fortunately, the show was a no-go from the start. The word of mouth was devastating and the reviews turned out to make the word of mouth sound brilliant.
The question is, why would anybody, given the entire world of properties to choose from or, on a wild bet, even to create an entirely original one, choose the exhausted and irrelevant legend of Dracula?
As we of say about trying to work with an idea that doesn’t seem to have a life of its own, you can stand up a dead body, but you can’t make it sing and dance, and, once you let go, it’s bound to fall down.
If Disney could do it with, for example, The Lion King, why couldn’t Warner Brothers find a property to achieve Broadway fame and fortune with? Unfortunately, their imaginations never soared higher than redoing the Dracula legend, based on a contemporary author’s odd novelistic take on it.
In order to hew to Disney’s proven path to moronic megabucks, Warner hired the same songwriting team Disney did for The Lion King, Elton John and his comparatively invisible lyricist Bernie Taupin.
Fortunately, the show was a no-go from the start. The word of mouth was devastating and the reviews turned out to make the word of mouth sound brilliant.
The question is, why would anybody, given the entire world of properties to choose from or, on a wild bet, even to create an entirely original one, choose the exhausted and irrelevant legend of Dracula?
As we of say about trying to work with an idea that doesn’t seem to have a life of its own, you can stand up a dead body, but you can’t make it sing and dance, and, once you let go, it’s bound to fall down.
Ancient Mayan Mummy Proves A Tattoo Is Forever
Evidence of the extraordinary longevity of tattoos has finally been discovered, in a mummified Mayan female whose panoramic tattoos have lasted almost two thousand years.
Tattoo artists were ecstatic at the discovery, immediately citing the mummy as proof that once you’re lucky enough to have a tattoo, you can forget about upkeep.
On the other hand, those who have decorated themselves with tattoos but in later years regretted the colorful self-mutilation, were widely distressed by the discovery. As one man with a prominent tattoo on the pierced tip of his nose told us, “I suspect when I’m finally old enough to feel really stupid about this tattoo it’ll still be here., Now, I know if I want to get rid of it, I’ll have to fork over the bucks for plastic surgery.”
Curiously enough, the mummy’s bones revealed what at first appeared to be dichotomous lifestyles. She was apparently motherly, because bone evidence revealed that she had given birth to a child, but a variety hardly motherly clubs were also found buried with her.
An archaeologist explained the seeming duality of tender sentiment and weaponry by stating, “My theory is that she went to the grave, regretting the tattoos and asked to be buried with clubs so she could ward off any evil spirits who might arrive to apply even more tattoos.”
Tattoo artists were ecstatic at the discovery, immediately citing the mummy as proof that once you’re lucky enough to have a tattoo, you can forget about upkeep.
On the other hand, those who have decorated themselves with tattoos but in later years regretted the colorful self-mutilation, were widely distressed by the discovery. As one man with a prominent tattoo on the pierced tip of his nose told us, “I suspect when I’m finally old enough to feel really stupid about this tattoo it’ll still be here., Now, I know if I want to get rid of it, I’ll have to fork over the bucks for plastic surgery.”
Curiously enough, the mummy’s bones revealed what at first appeared to be dichotomous lifestyles. She was apparently motherly, because bone evidence revealed that she had given birth to a child, but a variety hardly motherly clubs were also found buried with her.
An archaeologist explained the seeming duality of tender sentiment and weaponry by stating, “My theory is that she went to the grave, regretting the tattoos and asked to be buried with clubs so she could ward off any evil spirits who might arrive to apply even more tattoos.”
An Efficient Commute
This morning, as usual, I was pressed for time. I had to be to my "9 to 5" especially early and I woke up late. Instead of rushing around more than I already had been, I thought I would take the time to finish my "getting ready for work rituals" in the car. After all, I have seen countless others in my rearview mirror and beside me in their cars do the same, so why can't I?
As I grabbed my things, I raced out to the car and started on the 32-minute commute to work. As I was brushing my teeth, I realized, I had no place to spit out the toothpaste foam that accumulated in my mouth. So, I rolled down the window and masterfully drooled down the inside of my car. Crest and saliva dripped down the inside of my car door into the power lock and window switches. At least my car has a minty fresh scent to it. I took a swig of orange juice and remembered what vomit tasted like.
Not having a lot of time to worry about my toothbrushing experience, I figured I should do my hair next. One of the nice things about owning a Pontiac Vibe is the 110 Volt AC plug built into the car. Perfect for my wife's hair dryer. Red lights were spaced perfectly to allow me to safely dry my hair. I wasn't about to dry my hair with a towel in the car. That would be just dangerous. The hair paste and styling of my messy spiky hair went off without a hitch.
The final thing on my list to do before work is shave. Now, I won't really go into a lot of detail, but I will say that this was the hardest task of my commute. I made it to work with a little time to spare and the only evidence that I was really hurried this morning was a hairdryer on the passenger seat, dried drool on the driver's side door and shaving cream with beard stubble on the floor mats.
As I grabbed my things, I raced out to the car and started on the 32-minute commute to work. As I was brushing my teeth, I realized, I had no place to spit out the toothpaste foam that accumulated in my mouth. So, I rolled down the window and masterfully drooled down the inside of my car. Crest and saliva dripped down the inside of my car door into the power lock and window switches. At least my car has a minty fresh scent to it. I took a swig of orange juice and remembered what vomit tasted like.
Not having a lot of time to worry about my toothbrushing experience, I figured I should do my hair next. One of the nice things about owning a Pontiac Vibe is the 110 Volt AC plug built into the car. Perfect for my wife's hair dryer. Red lights were spaced perfectly to allow me to safely dry my hair. I wasn't about to dry my hair with a towel in the car. That would be just dangerous. The hair paste and styling of my messy spiky hair went off without a hitch.
The final thing on my list to do before work is shave. Now, I won't really go into a lot of detail, but I will say that this was the hardest task of my commute. I made it to work with a little time to spare and the only evidence that I was really hurried this morning was a hairdryer on the passenger seat, dried drool on the driver's side door and shaving cream with beard stubble on the floor mats.
America To Sue Rest Of World For Ungrateful Behavior
America, which has sacrificed the lives of its citizens and its material plentitude more selflessly than any other nation in history to come to the assistance of other countries, noted the astonishingly heated negative commentary about it emanating from virtually every corner of the globe and has decided to sue the rest of the world on the grounds of ungrateful behavior.
The President said, “You can’t just go out there and sacrifice your sons and daughters lives and expend so much of the national treasury and not get a little something back. We’ve got sorrowful families all across the land, with whose losses I deeply sympathize, and we can’t even afford to fix the potholes on federal highways. So what choice do we have? We’re taking the ungrateful foreigners to court. Justice will be served. We merit and demand some praise here.”
A grandmother for the plaintiff stated, “My family has lost loved ones in three different wars and all in countries that I haven’t heard a good thing said in about America for years. When I take the stand, watch out. I’m patriotic pissed.”
The international court at The Hague has declined to take the case, primarily because it is in The Hague. Upon learning of that court’s disinclination, the U. S. has appealed to the U. N. to find a venue that will hear the case.”
A prominent attorney for America commented, “We’d rather not have the trial here. Holding it in our own country will detract from the credibility of the outcome, but having it in an unfriendly location is bound to create the kind of inflammatory demonstrations that will lead to a lot of free press.”
Not surprisingly, France, Germany, and Spain have also nixed the idea of hosting the trial, maintaining that since they’re all being sued, supporting the action seems inadvisable.
Britain and Italy are understood to be considering the matter. Tony Blair is the most disposed to hosting it, saying, “We hardly ever badmouth America, so we hope to come through the trial with flying colors.”
The Italian government has expressed some willingness to host it but has indicated it may charge for rental of the courthouse. “I’m confident of victory,” another attorney for America maintained. “All you have to do is look at the newspapers. All the incriminating evidence you need is on the lips of leaders and the public in general in just about every country of the world. The only thing that stands in the way of a big win for the U. S. is finding a country where we can conduct the trial.”
Should the verdict go as the plaintiff hopes, the expectation is that the guilty will henceforth base their comments on a true understanding of just who this country is.
One of the most persuasive arguments the nation’s attorneys hope to present is based on the usual philosophical tactic of imagining the opposite argument.
As the lead attorney for the country put it, “Will you please tell us what other country in the world, besides your own, you would prefer to possess the amount of power America has? We are, in fact, the first nation in the history of the world that could conquer it but, in addition to being freedom-loving people that the whole idea offends, we’re savvy business people who know we just can’t afford the worldwide upkeep.”
The President said, “You can’t just go out there and sacrifice your sons and daughters lives and expend so much of the national treasury and not get a little something back. We’ve got sorrowful families all across the land, with whose losses I deeply sympathize, and we can’t even afford to fix the potholes on federal highways. So what choice do we have? We’re taking the ungrateful foreigners to court. Justice will be served. We merit and demand some praise here.”
A grandmother for the plaintiff stated, “My family has lost loved ones in three different wars and all in countries that I haven’t heard a good thing said in about America for years. When I take the stand, watch out. I’m patriotic pissed.”
The international court at The Hague has declined to take the case, primarily because it is in The Hague. Upon learning of that court’s disinclination, the U. S. has appealed to the U. N. to find a venue that will hear the case.”
A prominent attorney for America commented, “We’d rather not have the trial here. Holding it in our own country will detract from the credibility of the outcome, but having it in an unfriendly location is bound to create the kind of inflammatory demonstrations that will lead to a lot of free press.”
Not surprisingly, France, Germany, and Spain have also nixed the idea of hosting the trial, maintaining that since they’re all being sued, supporting the action seems inadvisable.
Britain and Italy are understood to be considering the matter. Tony Blair is the most disposed to hosting it, saying, “We hardly ever badmouth America, so we hope to come through the trial with flying colors.”
The Italian government has expressed some willingness to host it but has indicated it may charge for rental of the courthouse. “I’m confident of victory,” another attorney for America maintained. “All you have to do is look at the newspapers. All the incriminating evidence you need is on the lips of leaders and the public in general in just about every country of the world. The only thing that stands in the way of a big win for the U. S. is finding a country where we can conduct the trial.”
Should the verdict go as the plaintiff hopes, the expectation is that the guilty will henceforth base their comments on a true understanding of just who this country is.
One of the most persuasive arguments the nation’s attorneys hope to present is based on the usual philosophical tactic of imagining the opposite argument.
As the lead attorney for the country put it, “Will you please tell us what other country in the world, besides your own, you would prefer to possess the amount of power America has? We are, in fact, the first nation in the history of the world that could conquer it but, in addition to being freedom-loving people that the whole idea offends, we’re savvy business people who know we just can’t afford the worldwide upkeep.”
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